Breastfeeding

When I was pregnant with Emma, I knew without a doubt that I wanted to breastfeed. I got lots of comments from family about it and why would I do that and it's gross etc etc. I didn't care. From the moment she was born I nursed her. To say it was easy would be a lie. I had to work at it ALOT. I wanted to quit many times. But we made it 7 months before she decided she was far too busy to nurse and weaned herself. During those 7 months it was magical. Not only is breastfeeding so convenient (hello instant food) but the bond is unbelievable. If you are a guy or a woman who hasn't done it, you won't get it. There is just something about being able to provide the perfect food for your child and seeing their beautiful eyes as they nurse that is amazing.

When I found out I was pregnant this time I thought before we knew it was twins that I would breastfeed no question. Then when we found out it was twins I thought "okay how will I do this." It never crossed my mind not to do it. I watched Youtube videos of moms tandem nursing their babies. I bought a twin breastfeeding pillow. I mentally prepared to be flexible about it. I thought maybe I'd nurse one and give one a bottle and then switch for the next feeding. I hoped I'd tandem nurse.

And then reality happened. The boys were born and whisked to the NICU never even getting to try to nurse. They were a full 8 days old before I was allowed to even attempt to nurse them because of their feeding issues. They were so small that their little mouths wouldn't let them nurse well. They tired easily. So I pumped like a mad woman and brought breastmilk to the hospital every day for them. I pumped every 3 hours around the clock, even at night. I was dedicated to getting those babies the milk that they needed.

A few weeks after they came home from the hospital I went to see a lactation consultant. She helped me some. Ben was okay at nursing and Aaron was just meh. I would still have to pump after feeding them to keep my supply up AND I'd still have to supplement with a bottle. I thought about it but fate took a turn and the boys got RSV and that was that. I would try to nurse them when I could but mostly they were getting expressed milk. I was pumping 7 times a day having given myself the luxury of skipping the middle of the night session. Then I went back to work and quickly it became unrealistic for me to pump every three hours. So I cut back again and then again. Early on I set small goals for myself- make it to two weeks, four weeks, six weeks, eight weeks, twelve weeks and once I made it 3 months I figured I could make it to six months.

On Monday the boys will be five months old. I am down to pumping once a day. A couple of weeks ago I nursed each one of them in the middle of the night as a sort of way to say goodbye to breastfeeding. Even as I write this I am tearing up about it. I'm so disappointed that I couldn't nurse them the way I had hoped. I'm sad that this phase is coming to an end. I'm sad that I didn't get to experience the magic that I did with Emma. But I'm relieved to not have to worry about supply, what I eat and drink and to give up my archenemy the breast pump. I am also proud that I made it as long as I did. With twins, I could have easily said nope not gonna do it but I didn't. I stuck it out and gave my boys the gift of the perfect food for 5 months. And that's okay.

Two milestones in the same week

snuggle time in Mommy's bed

On Friday, Aaron and Ben will be 4 months old! On Saturday, Emma turns 3! I can't believe it. My babies are all getting so big. Emma's vocabulary is huge. She is full of life and energy and just makes us laugh and laugh with her antics. She is such a good big sister. She jumps right in and reads stories to her brothers, gives them bottles or pacifiers when they cry, and this morning she got out some rattles and was dancing around in front of them to get them to calm down.  She also opens the fridge and gets her own snacks now which is good and a sad testament to our parenting at the moment! But there are still glimmers of our little baby in there like when she forgot to put her little potty seat on the toilet and fell in! Each day I grow more infatuated with that little monkey.

Aaron and Ben are smiling up a storm now and are very ticklish. We have had some chuckles out of them but no full blown laughs yet but soon! Ben has rolled over from tummy to back several times. Aaron is working on it but isn't quite there yet. Their arms and legs are constantly going. Once they put it all together we will not be able to keep up with them. They are sleeping MUCH BETTER. We have a nice little routine where they get a bath at 6 pm, bottle by 6:15-6:30 and are in their rock n plays in their room by 7 pm. Yes we put them down awake and sometimes Ben will cry but it usually stops after a couple of minutes. They do still wake up twice at night but I take one feeding and Mike takes the other which makes it managable sort of. They are just the sweetest little people and I can't wait to see what else they do! We may even try some rice cereal soon!

Little teacher
 

Floor time for Aaron
 

Aaron sleeps like a champ
 

Sleeping Aaron
 

They really are identical. Sleeping Ben.

Pirate Ben




 

Life is funny

Sometimes I look at my sweet baby boys and can't believe that I successfully gave birth and am raising two identical twin boys. It's truly a miracle. The pregnancy was so rough and the postpartum has been even worse. I think this is God's way of telling me no more babies for me. Though I do confess that I'd like another little girl. Perhaps we'll adopt some day. The boys are starting to smile and coo and kind of giggle which is completely precious. Emma is hilariously funny and so full of life. She is busy ALL THE TIME and never shuts up. It is exhausting.

This weekend Mike and I are going away over night for the first time since Emma was born without kids. I'm crazy excited about it but also anxious because leaving everyone at home is hard. Now they'll be in perfectly capable hands but still very difficult. We'll see what happens.

Another thing that I want to write about is how funny life is. When I was single and my friend had the first baby I just didn't get how her life had changed. Then, I got married and became a "we" instead of a "me" and my life changed and so did my friendships once again. Then I had Emma and went from "we" to family and some friends dropped off, others got closer and new ones formed. Now, with three kids things are completely different. Those friends with one kid can't understand how challenging it is to do anything with two infants and an almost three year old. No more impromptu play dates, no more quick get togethers for wine. It's made me kind of sad because I loved that and spent all summer doing it. Now I feel like I have to choose between play dates for Emma or watching the boys. It sucks. I can't wait until the boys are old enough to play too but until then I am feeling kind of alone and isolated from my friends.

Postpartum Depression

So the boys are 3.5 months old and we have settled into a nice little rhythm. Unfortunately, I am still suffering from postpartum depression. I'm taking medicine and seeing a therapist and still can't get over the hump. On the outside I feel okay. When I am caught up in getting the kids ready for the day or ready for bed or working on a project at work I almost feel normal. It's in the quiet moments when I have a second to just be that I feel overwhelmed, sad, tired and angry all at the same time. I hate it. I want to be able to flip a switch in my brain and feel better. At work everyone thinks I'm doing so well and look so refreshed every day but it is all an act I think. I don't feel that way at all. I feel like I am emotionally hanging on by the thinnest of threads and the slightest wind could bring my entire world crashing down. I know this won't last forever and in that I find hope. Still every time I yell at Emma or lose my patience I die a little bit knowing that isn't me and yet I can't seem to help it. I am sharing this only because I feel like I need an outlet to be able to say how I feel. Writing is cathartic for me. It helps me organize my thoughts and feelings. I'm a dork like that. So thanks for letting me share this dark stage of life with you. If you have a moment to say a prayer that I get well, I'd sure appreciate it.

Back to reality

The last few months have flown by in a blur of bottles, pumping, poop and wet diapers. The boys came home from the PCN on Nov. 11 and we couldn't have been happier. The next few weeks were spent trying to comfort screaming babies who ended up having reflux. I struggled with PPD and learning to love this new reality that we have. Then it was Christmas but not before the boys spent Christmas Eve in the hospital thanks to a nasty case of RSV. They did get to come home on Christmas morning. You should have seen Mike and I jump up and get ready when we got the call that they could come home. It just wasn't the same without them. I didn't even shower first! Emma had a slew of presents to open on Christmas and twice said she was done opening gifts and had to take a break. It was a very lovely day.

Fast forward to today, it is my first day back at work. The boys are on their second day at Primrose. Yesterday they did okay except they aren't sleeping at daycare which you'd think would be good for us but really they are overtired when they get home and cranky. Still I love those little monkeys. It is nice to be back at work and functioning in the adult world again. Putting on makeup, drying my hair and wearing real clothes that don't have spit up on them is a nice change. Of course, Mike and I are both completely exhausted and I am really hoping the boys are going to start sleeping through the night here soon. As of now they are ready to play at around 4:30 AM which stinks!

Emma is a little mommy. She will quickly stick a bottle in a mouth if it is crying and is happy to go get a burp cloth for her Ben or her Aaron. I frequently catch her holding hands with her brother in the back seat which is the most adorable thing ever!

The Arrival of Aaron and Ben

I  haven't written  blog in a long time mainly because I just didn't have anything to say. My anxiety over the end of my pregnancy and the arrival of the boys was too high and I was just trying to keep it together mentally. This entry might be a bit scattered too because I have so much to say! First the story of how the twins arrived.

My OB, Dr. Murray, had scheduled me to be induced on Nov. 6. The boys looked good and we were going to call it on Nov. 2 whether I was going to have a c-section or try for a vaginal birth. For a few weeks I had been feeling a lot of pressure as Aaron made his way into my cervix. At around 3:20 am on Halloween I started having contractions and tried all the tricks- drinking water, changing position and going potty. Nothing worked and the contractions went from 10 mins apart to 5 mins apart. So at 4:30 I gave in and woke Mike up and called the on call dr. She told me to come to the hospital. Mike and I showered and got ready, called our neighbor to come be with Emma and off we went to the hospital. We get to Labor and Delivery and the on call doctor checks me and I was 4 cm dilated and 70% effaced. The week before I was nothing. So I get a nice fancy delivery room to hang out in while they pump fluid in me and hope to stop my contractions. At this point let me say that I did not understand how critically important it was for the boys to stay put. I was 35 weeks 3 days pregnant. After about 5 or 6 hours, the contractions stop and unfortunately my blood pressure is now high and I am showing signs of preeclampsia. Combine that with being 4 cm and I found myself admitted to the hospital. The thought was that I'd be there until my scheduled induction.

I was not happy about this. I was not prepared to be in the hospital so long and hadn't even prepared Emma for this. The neonatologist came in to talk to Mike and I about what we could expect when the twins finally made their arrival.  We were in shock to realize that our boys were most likely going to endure a NICU stay. At no point did we expect this because every week my perinatal doctor told me the boys looked great. I took that to mean they were developing well and would be ok. What it really must have meant was that they looked great for their age. Not sure if we didn't ask the right questions or if we were just too naive. In any case, this was a surprise and something we both struggled with the rest of the night.

Mike left around 5 to take Emma trick or treating with her friends so we could keep her life from being disrupted too much. I watched bad tv and finally tried to go to sleep at around 10.  really thought I'd pass right out since I had been up so long but no such luck. So at around  11:30 I asked the nurse for Ambien. Finally I passed out around 12:30. Around 3:30 I started having cramps that woke me up. As I shifted in bed to try to find a comfortable position to ease my discomfort, I felt a gush of fluid. At first I thought I must have peed on myself since Aaron had been pushing on my bladder for a while. I quickly realized that my water had broken! I called the nurse and she tested the fluid and it was indeed my water breaking. From there things happened very quickly. There are things I don' t remember and things I probably remember out of sequence. Remember I was like 4 hours into having taken Ambien so I was out of it. Contractions started almost immediately after my water broke and they came fast and hard. I didn't really feel strong contractions with Emma because I was induced and had my epidural early. Let me just say that holy cow contractions are the worst pain I have ever felt.

I called Mike at 3:45 and told him what was going on. He asked how much time he had and I told him to take his time. Thank God he didn't go back to sleep because he so didn't have any time to spare. The nurses got me onto a stretcher and off I went to Labor and Delivery. The on call doctor came in and checked me and I was still at 4 cm but 50% effaced. They had to take some blood because my platelet counts were low and that makes a big difference on whether or not you can get an epidural. So at this point I'm laboring and it hurts and Mike is not there and I'm scared. My nurse is trying to help me through the contractions by telling me to control the pain, breathe through them etc. I just wanted to hit her to be honest. I never intended to labor naturally and was completely unprepared for dealing with this. In hindsight, the nurse was awesome and exactly what I needed.

Around 5 AM, Mike gets there and is immediately at my side, holding my hands and trying to comfort me as best he can. Shortly there after, the anastesialogist (no idea how to spell that) comes in and explains that my platelet count is low which increases the risks of putting in the epidural. I could be paralized or bleed out and not stop bleeding etc etc. But he said that he'd still tell his wife to get it. Enough said. So I sit on the side of the bed and in between the excruciating contractions he puts in the epidural. Immediately I get some relief. I am laying on my right side letting that side go numb for a few minutes and then as I start to go numb they put in a catheter and tell me to lay on my left side so that side gets evenly numb. At this point it is around 6:15ish, I roll over and as I do I feel a weird pain down there. I tell the nurse and she checks me. She calmly tells me to hit my call bell to call the nurses. When someone answers, she says she needs help stat. She then tells  me there is a head peaking out. Once again, things happen crazy fast. Apparently when you have twins you don't labor and deliver in the room you are in but in the OR just in case baby B goes into distress. So they don't even put me on a stretcher but just push my bed into the OR and move the existing bed in the OR to the side. Mike comes in dressed in a jump suit and hair cover. The dr does a quick ultrasound to make sure both boys are head down and turns around to get ready to deliver. I apparently have a huge contraction and feel something coming out of me. I tell the doctor that I swear I'm not pushing but the baby is coming out. Sure enough, the doctor looks and gasps and out comes Aaron with absolutely no pushing!

The NICU team quickly takes Aaron away and start doing what they do. Mike runs and gets the camera as we wait for baby B.  Ben is still pretty high up and so a nurse is pushing on my stomach pushing him lower as I am told to push. The doctor might have also used forcepts to pull him down but I'm not sure. Three pushes later and out pops Ben. The NICU team takes him away too and Mike snaps pictures.

So three hours start to finish and three pushes later and both boys arrived on Nov. 1 at 6:30 am and 6:45 am. Both boys were breathing on their own and their apgar scores were both 9.9. Aaron weighed 5.4 lbs and was 17.5 inches long and Ben was 5.2 lbs and 17.5 inches long.

The days that followed the birth of the boys has been a roller coaster. The boys started off in the NICU and when I called down around 2 PM to see if they were there or in the PCN I was told that they were going to the regular nursery at 7 pm. Then a nurse told me I was moving to the post partum unit because the babies were moving to the nursery.When we went to see them, they were in the PCN! And they weren't eating well. The next day both boys had feeding tubes in their noses. Then, Ben got an IV to dilute his blood and yesterday he got put under the phototherapy lights.  But his little light bulb for feeding has gone off and now it is just getting him to suck more efficiently. Aaron is doing well but his little light bulb still hasn't quite gone off for feeding yet. I'm hopeful that it will soon.

They are absolutely adorable and I spend every morning with them. My favorite thing to do is called kangaroo care where I strip down to my bra and strip the boys down to their diapers and we snuggle skin to skin with blankets and a hospital gown over us. The boys love it and they really love it when they get to do it together.

So there you have the whole story. More to come as this story continues. We do appreciate all of our friends, family and others who have sent messages and prayers our way. Keep them coming. In the mean time, here are a few pictures of the boys.

Benjamin Michael Toscano

Aaron James Toscano

Where has the time gone?

It's been months since I last wrote a blog entry. I have a good excuse. No really I do. For the month of August, Emma and I both got sick with colds which turned into pneumonia. We were very concerned that Emma was going to end up in the hospital but a last minute dose of steriods pulled her out of the woods thank goodness. Unfortunately, mommy wasn't so lucky. While we were busy taking care of Emma, Mommy's cold morphed into a rather nasty case of pneumonia that landed me in the hospital for 6 days. I seriously didn't know I was that sick. I thought oh sure they'd give me some good antibiotics and I'd be home the next day. Trouble was I kept getting worse and worse. Finally on like day 4, the lung doctor ordered extra strength steriods for me and that seemed to be just what I needed! I seriously thought I was going to die for a few days there. When your doctor is talking about intubating you things get a little serious.

So that was August. I didn't get out of the hospital until Labor day. Through all this the boys were totally fine. Then September I was seriously trying to recover from being sick and trying to get in some last minute fun with Emma. We went to the state fair over the weekend and Emma had so much fun. She loved feeding the animals at the petting zoo. She loved riding rides and going down the giant slide. She loved eating french fries for lunch. All in all it was a good time.

We've spent the last month getting the bedrooms switched around and as of yesterday we have 1 and 3/4 of the cribs together! Big day for us. Those babies may have somewhere to sleep yet. We have also decided on names which we aren't really sharing with the world yet as we could very well change our minds.

As for everything else, well it's all a blur. I don't think I have been this stressed out in my entire life. Between work, home, marriage, 2.5 year old and babies I may seriously end up in the mental ward. This is why I decided to start my maternity leave a little early. I just can't handle everything and don't have the energy to be patient and nice to stupid people. So today I'm talking to my doctor about leaving in 3 weeks. I'm sure she will have no problem with this!