Here's the thing about Christmas. I hate it. There I have said it. I try every year to get "in the Christmas spirit." But I just can't. I thought it would change with kids but nope. I fake it better to be sure. We've decorated the house, made cookies, made a gingerbread house, seen tacky Christmas lights, talked to Santa and even wrapped presents. I've listened to hours of Christmas music and still nothing.
When I was a little girl there were years where we had nothing under our Christmas tree or years when I know my mom was stretching a dollar to put something there and my mind still flashes back to that time. Then were times when we had tons of presents and that was exciting. Still, I just hate the commercialism of Christmas. Cardboard boxes, wrapping paper and gifts you probably don't want or like in the first place hold no place in my heart. What I love to have for Christmas and that makes me happy is having family around and making them happy. With three kids under the age of 4, it is important for Santa to visit our house. So by choice, we don't travel. Not to mention what a HUGE pain it is to pack up three kids and all of their stuff! This year my parents can't travel either because my stepdad's leg is very fragile and with no income coming in, traveling 5 hours just isn't an option. Mike's family is in NJ meeting Nick's future in-laws. And so, we will celebrate Christmas as our little family of five. Later my brother will come over for dinner.
But you know what that is okay. We have made our own family and perhaps seeing the joy on my babies' faces when they open up gifts will finally chase away the shadows of Christmas' past.
Merry Christmas to all.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Perspective
So sometimes I catch myself starting to cry when I look at Ben. He is such a sweet and funny little boy and it breaks my heart to know that he is going to have surgery. Fear takes over sometimes and I am overcome.
And then there was tonight. I heard that a very sweet little girl Emma knows has cancer. She is three! She has to have chemo. Dear Lord does that make Ben having a pointy head seem not so bad. At least we know that his issue is easily fixed with surgery. Yes there are risks but not like with cancer.
So today I am deeply and profoundly grateful for the blessings that I have. The healthy children that I have. The surgeons that will care for Ben and I offer up huge prayers for the sweet little girl and her family. Amen.
And then there was tonight. I heard that a very sweet little girl Emma knows has cancer. She is three! She has to have chemo. Dear Lord does that make Ben having a pointy head seem not so bad. At least we know that his issue is easily fixed with surgery. Yes there are risks but not like with cancer.
So today I am deeply and profoundly grateful for the blessings that I have. The healthy children that I have. The surgeons that will care for Ben and I offer up huge prayers for the sweet little girl and her family. Amen.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Celebrating One Year!
The twins turn one on Friday. It is hard to believe that a year has gone by. We SURVIVED! That in itself is cause to celebrate! Every twin parent that we have run into since I was pregnant told us that the first six months to a year are the hardest and reassured us that it does get better. When we were knee deep in screaming babies and sleep deprived, I didn't believe them. The only thing that got me through those early days was thinking about making it to six months and then a year.
Well, here we are. And all of those parents were right. Once we enforced cry it out and got the boys sleeping through the night, things improved dramatically. Sleep is a beautiful thing. And now that the boys can interact, eat real food and are starting to cruise, it is so fun! That's right I said fun!
I'm so looking forward to spending quality time with all three of our monsters because I know the next thing I know it I'll be writing about Emma getting married and the boys going off to college!
We did have our family pictures and the twins 1 year old pictures done by my dear friend Amy Wilson this weekend. They are beautiful and capture the children's personalitites!
Well, here we are. And all of those parents were right. Once we enforced cry it out and got the boys sleeping through the night, things improved dramatically. Sleep is a beautiful thing. And now that the boys can interact, eat real food and are starting to cruise, it is so fun! That's right I said fun!
I'm so looking forward to spending quality time with all three of our monsters because I know the next thing I know it I'll be writing about Emma getting married and the boys going off to college!
We did have our family pictures and the twins 1 year old pictures done by my dear friend Amy Wilson this weekend. They are beautiful and capture the children's personalitites!
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| Benjamin is on the right and Aaron on the left. This captures them exactly. Ben is the always smiling, silly one. Aaron is a bit more reserved and relaxed. |
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| Emma does not like having her picture taken and the boys weren't quite sure what was happening but I still love it! |
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| Ben really liked getting his picture taken! |
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| Such a happy baby. |
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| He takes my breath away with his cuteness. |
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| Aaron showing that he is a happy boy too! |
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| This is my favorite because of the expression on his face and the intensity of his eyes! |
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| Aaron was very interested in what was happening. |
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| I really wanted Emma to pose with her brothers but that was a no go. I did convince her to have fun throwing pine needles and we got one photo! |
Friday, October 11, 2013
Life Changing Decisions
Oh where to start. First an update on the kids I guess.
Emma
Em is doing well mostly. She is having some struggles with being clingy but that's about it. She started soccer in September and well that hasn't gone well. Turns out she REALLY doesn't like organized activities. She is totally fine kicking the ball around and playing until the coach blows the whistle to start drills. Then she puts her thumb in her mouth and that is that. I think she gets overwhelmed. Who knows.
Other good news is Emma is back in her own bed! For months she slept on a cot in our room. At first it was sweet and totally okay-better than sleeping in our bed. Then slowly her dolls, books and toys started moving in too. She was relocating and that was bad. So, I read her stories in her own big girl bed and snuggle with her until she falls asleep. Now I'm working on shortening the snuggle time so she can fall asleep on her own. Progress.
Em has also made friends in the cul-de-sac which is so cute. She's so little next to all the other kids. She gets so excited in the afternoon when we make the turn into the cul-de-sac and sees friends outside. She grabs her bike, a bunch of popscicles and drinks and rushes to meet her friends. I'm hoping her friends aren't using her for popscicles!
Aaron
Aaron is about 20 lbs and so sweet. He is the more reserved twin, preferring to hang back from strangers and chaos while Ben is in the thick of it. He can say Dada and All Done (kind of). He waves bye bye and loves to wrestle with his brother. His eyes light up when he sees his Daddy or his sister. He is cruising and just about to walk I think. If you hold his little hands, he takes off walking. He is finally sleeping through the night most nights. He's do to get tubes in his ears in the next few weeks. Little man has had bronchitis for a few weeks and couldn't get his tubes because of it. His favorite toy of all time is a little yellow, blue and red broom that was Emma's. He will drag that thing around the house with him. He has 8 teeth and loves fruit, veggies and gold fish. He is a bit more picky than Ben and doesn't like to try new foods. He does love frozen blueberries though!
Ben
Ben is hilarious. He is the happiest baby, always quick with a smile. He loves his sister so much. He and Aaron are inseparable which is so sweet. I love it when they "talk" to each other. Ben loves hockey sticks. We have a bunch of mini ones and he will make a beeline to them every time. He sleeps really well through the night and always is the first to wake up and start babbling. He is also cruising and though slightly less ready to walk than Aaron. He can wave bye bye and says Dada and Mama. Ben is cutting his 7th and 8th teeth right now and loves to eat. He will eat just about anything. He's also a huge fan of frozen blueberries.
Unfortunately, Ben is facing a very serious surgery in December. He has been diagnosed with moderate craniosystonosis, Essentially the suture that runs from his nose up his forehead and to his soft spot fused too early and so he has a pointy forehead. At first, we thought nothing of it and his pediatrician just said he'd have a pointy head. Thanks to a friend's blog, I realized this was more serious than a pointy head and so we switched pediatricians back to Dr. Tull and started seeing a craniofacial surgeon. The first visit both surgeons that we saw thought he was more mild and maybe we wouldn't need to do anything but wait and see. Two months later we went back and he was diagnosed with moderate and needs surgery. I'm very nervous for him. Essentially the surgeons will go in and cut his skull in a zig zag from ear to ear and then reconstruct his forehead and bridge of his nose. The surgery lasts about 5 hours. There is a chance he could need a blood transfusion so he will be getting shots of something called Procrit to help him produce extra red blood cells before surgery. They will also use something called a recirculator so any blood he uses will be put right back into his body. Hopefully this prevents the need for a transfusion. Then, once the surgery is done, little man spends two days in the hospital during which time his body and head will swell. His eyes will swell shut. This is the part that scares me the most. I can't even imagine how awful this is going to be for Ben. Mike and I are both planning on being at the hospital for him and having a grandparent stay with Emma and Aaron. We will need to explain things to Emma at some point. Finally, once Ben can open his eyes, he gets to come home where he has to take it easy for 3 weeks.
The entire reason that the surgery is absolutely necessary is because having the misshapen head can result in Ben's brain not being able to grow the proper way and may result in developmental delays later on. He will also start to look more "weird" as time goes on. The surgery fixes all that and he will not remember thank goodness. So as surgery gets closer, we'll appreciate any prayers you want to send our way!
Big Decision
A few weeks ago my mom was in ICU, intubated for 5 days and we weren't sure if she was going to live to be honest. Ben's surgery weighs on my mind every day. Combine those two things with taking care of everyone, going to a full time career every day and coming home to rush around and do it all again the next day and well it was a recipe for disaster. Last week the bubble burst so to speak. My boss pointed out to me during our monthly supervision that my stress level was starting to impact my work. Long story short, I burst into tears and sobbed like a baby. At first I was mad. How dare he when I work so hard. Then as Mike and I soul searched we really started talking about if it made sense for me to work anymore. The numbers say no. My heart said no. Finally, Mike left it up to me to make the decision. On Tuesday, I resigned from my job. My last day isn't for a while-mid-November- but it feels good.
Immediately, I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders and a sense of peace wash over me. It just makes so much sense. The boys are going to stay with me and Emma will go to preschool every morning from 8:30 to 12:30 and then spend the rest of the day with Mommy. I am beyond excited to be able to do this. Bonus-I get to cook again, no rushing around in the morning or at night and some of the burden of handling sick kids is lifted off of Mike. And I can concentrate on Ben come December. There may still be opportunities for me to do some freelance stuff but for now I'm looking forward to story time at the library and play dates.
Last but not least, here are some recent pics of the kids!
Emma
Em is doing well mostly. She is having some struggles with being clingy but that's about it. She started soccer in September and well that hasn't gone well. Turns out she REALLY doesn't like organized activities. She is totally fine kicking the ball around and playing until the coach blows the whistle to start drills. Then she puts her thumb in her mouth and that is that. I think she gets overwhelmed. Who knows.
Other good news is Emma is back in her own bed! For months she slept on a cot in our room. At first it was sweet and totally okay-better than sleeping in our bed. Then slowly her dolls, books and toys started moving in too. She was relocating and that was bad. So, I read her stories in her own big girl bed and snuggle with her until she falls asleep. Now I'm working on shortening the snuggle time so she can fall asleep on her own. Progress.
Em has also made friends in the cul-de-sac which is so cute. She's so little next to all the other kids. She gets so excited in the afternoon when we make the turn into the cul-de-sac and sees friends outside. She grabs her bike, a bunch of popscicles and drinks and rushes to meet her friends. I'm hoping her friends aren't using her for popscicles!
Aaron
Aaron is about 20 lbs and so sweet. He is the more reserved twin, preferring to hang back from strangers and chaos while Ben is in the thick of it. He can say Dada and All Done (kind of). He waves bye bye and loves to wrestle with his brother. His eyes light up when he sees his Daddy or his sister. He is cruising and just about to walk I think. If you hold his little hands, he takes off walking. He is finally sleeping through the night most nights. He's do to get tubes in his ears in the next few weeks. Little man has had bronchitis for a few weeks and couldn't get his tubes because of it. His favorite toy of all time is a little yellow, blue and red broom that was Emma's. He will drag that thing around the house with him. He has 8 teeth and loves fruit, veggies and gold fish. He is a bit more picky than Ben and doesn't like to try new foods. He does love frozen blueberries though!
Ben
Ben is hilarious. He is the happiest baby, always quick with a smile. He loves his sister so much. He and Aaron are inseparable which is so sweet. I love it when they "talk" to each other. Ben loves hockey sticks. We have a bunch of mini ones and he will make a beeline to them every time. He sleeps really well through the night and always is the first to wake up and start babbling. He is also cruising and though slightly less ready to walk than Aaron. He can wave bye bye and says Dada and Mama. Ben is cutting his 7th and 8th teeth right now and loves to eat. He will eat just about anything. He's also a huge fan of frozen blueberries.
Unfortunately, Ben is facing a very serious surgery in December. He has been diagnosed with moderate craniosystonosis, Essentially the suture that runs from his nose up his forehead and to his soft spot fused too early and so he has a pointy forehead. At first, we thought nothing of it and his pediatrician just said he'd have a pointy head. Thanks to a friend's blog, I realized this was more serious than a pointy head and so we switched pediatricians back to Dr. Tull and started seeing a craniofacial surgeon. The first visit both surgeons that we saw thought he was more mild and maybe we wouldn't need to do anything but wait and see. Two months later we went back and he was diagnosed with moderate and needs surgery. I'm very nervous for him. Essentially the surgeons will go in and cut his skull in a zig zag from ear to ear and then reconstruct his forehead and bridge of his nose. The surgery lasts about 5 hours. There is a chance he could need a blood transfusion so he will be getting shots of something called Procrit to help him produce extra red blood cells before surgery. They will also use something called a recirculator so any blood he uses will be put right back into his body. Hopefully this prevents the need for a transfusion. Then, once the surgery is done, little man spends two days in the hospital during which time his body and head will swell. His eyes will swell shut. This is the part that scares me the most. I can't even imagine how awful this is going to be for Ben. Mike and I are both planning on being at the hospital for him and having a grandparent stay with Emma and Aaron. We will need to explain things to Emma at some point. Finally, once Ben can open his eyes, he gets to come home where he has to take it easy for 3 weeks.
The entire reason that the surgery is absolutely necessary is because having the misshapen head can result in Ben's brain not being able to grow the proper way and may result in developmental delays later on. He will also start to look more "weird" as time goes on. The surgery fixes all that and he will not remember thank goodness. So as surgery gets closer, we'll appreciate any prayers you want to send our way!
Big Decision
A few weeks ago my mom was in ICU, intubated for 5 days and we weren't sure if she was going to live to be honest. Ben's surgery weighs on my mind every day. Combine those two things with taking care of everyone, going to a full time career every day and coming home to rush around and do it all again the next day and well it was a recipe for disaster. Last week the bubble burst so to speak. My boss pointed out to me during our monthly supervision that my stress level was starting to impact my work. Long story short, I burst into tears and sobbed like a baby. At first I was mad. How dare he when I work so hard. Then as Mike and I soul searched we really started talking about if it made sense for me to work anymore. The numbers say no. My heart said no. Finally, Mike left it up to me to make the decision. On Tuesday, I resigned from my job. My last day isn't for a while-mid-November- but it feels good.
Immediately, I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders and a sense of peace wash over me. It just makes so much sense. The boys are going to stay with me and Emma will go to preschool every morning from 8:30 to 12:30 and then spend the rest of the day with Mommy. I am beyond excited to be able to do this. Bonus-I get to cook again, no rushing around in the morning or at night and some of the burden of handling sick kids is lifted off of Mike. And I can concentrate on Ben come December. There may still be opportunities for me to do some freelance stuff but for now I'm looking forward to story time at the library and play dates.
Last but not least, here are some recent pics of the kids!
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
An Update on the Toscano Triple Threats
It has been forever since I have written a post. I guess having busy twins and a crazy 3 year old will do that. When we first had the twins, many, many experienced twin parents told us it gets better after 6 months. At the time, that felt like forever. Now though, the twins are almost 9 months old and I have to say that it really is true. Things get much better after 6 months. Now our monkeys still don't sleep all night but they have stopped crying when they are awake and play and crawl all over and are generally happy. We have an established routine that I dare not vary for fear of what might happen.
Emma completely adores her brothers, especially now that they can interact more. The other morning Aaron was crawling in the upstairs hall (gate to stairs securely closed) and Emma pats her leg and says "come on Aaron. come to my room." Yep, knew that was coming. The twins LOVE Emma too. Their eyes light up when she enters the room. They love it when she pulls on them, sits on them, rocks them too hard etc. Thank heaven they are made of sturdy stuff! Personally terror would be in my eyes if I saw her coming my way!
Both boys are crawling and curious Aaron is into everything and already pulling up to standing. Not good news for this momma! Emma is in preschool and doing really well. She is diabolically smart and rememberes EVERYTHING! She is busy from sun up until she passes out. We tried out ballet this spring and that was an epic fail. Miss E doesn't feel that she needs to do what everyone else is doing and so ballet was not for her. Though, at home, she demonstrates every single position, jump and turn that she learned! Go figure.
We are trying soccer in the fall so we'll see how that goes. At the very least, maybe it will tire her out a little. Emma's favorite thing to do is read. No, she can't actually read yet but she has memorized many of her favorite stories and then reads them to her brothers. So adorable.
So for my many friends who are having twins or triplets, know that it really does get better I promise. Until then, just keeping doing what you can to stay above water!
Emma completely adores her brothers, especially now that they can interact more. The other morning Aaron was crawling in the upstairs hall (gate to stairs securely closed) and Emma pats her leg and says "come on Aaron. come to my room." Yep, knew that was coming. The twins LOVE Emma too. Their eyes light up when she enters the room. They love it when she pulls on them, sits on them, rocks them too hard etc. Thank heaven they are made of sturdy stuff! Personally terror would be in my eyes if I saw her coming my way!
Both boys are crawling and curious Aaron is into everything and already pulling up to standing. Not good news for this momma! Emma is in preschool and doing really well. She is diabolically smart and rememberes EVERYTHING! She is busy from sun up until she passes out. We tried out ballet this spring and that was an epic fail. Miss E doesn't feel that she needs to do what everyone else is doing and so ballet was not for her. Though, at home, she demonstrates every single position, jump and turn that she learned! Go figure.
We are trying soccer in the fall so we'll see how that goes. At the very least, maybe it will tire her out a little. Emma's favorite thing to do is read. No, she can't actually read yet but she has memorized many of her favorite stories and then reads them to her brothers. So adorable.
So for my many friends who are having twins or triplets, know that it really does get better I promise. Until then, just keeping doing what you can to stay above water!
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| Benjamin sharing his puffs |
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| Emma and Ben |
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| She's thinking something that probably isn't good. |
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| Aaron on the left and Ben on the right prefer to touch whenever possible. |
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| Aaron AKA Kramer |
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| Benjamin can sit up! |
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| Ballet Emma |
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| Butterfly, ballerina, princess, harmonica player |
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| I love this one. They are having the best time. |
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| That's Emma's back side while she was still participating. |
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| Like this mom? |
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Breastfeeding
When I was pregnant with Emma, I knew without a doubt that I wanted to breastfeed. I got lots of comments from family about it and why would I do that and it's gross etc etc. I didn't care. From the moment she was born I nursed her. To say it was easy would be a lie. I had to work at it ALOT. I wanted to quit many times. But we made it 7 months before she decided she was far too busy to nurse and weaned herself. During those 7 months it was magical. Not only is breastfeeding so convenient (hello instant food) but the bond is unbelievable. If you are a guy or a woman who hasn't done it, you won't get it. There is just something about being able to provide the perfect food for your child and seeing their beautiful eyes as they nurse that is amazing.
When I found out I was pregnant this time I thought before we knew it was twins that I would breastfeed no question. Then when we found out it was twins I thought "okay how will I do this." It never crossed my mind not to do it. I watched Youtube videos of moms tandem nursing their babies. I bought a twin breastfeeding pillow. I mentally prepared to be flexible about it. I thought maybe I'd nurse one and give one a bottle and then switch for the next feeding. I hoped I'd tandem nurse.
And then reality happened. The boys were born and whisked to the NICU never even getting to try to nurse. They were a full 8 days old before I was allowed to even attempt to nurse them because of their feeding issues. They were so small that their little mouths wouldn't let them nurse well. They tired easily. So I pumped like a mad woman and brought breastmilk to the hospital every day for them. I pumped every 3 hours around the clock, even at night. I was dedicated to getting those babies the milk that they needed.
A few weeks after they came home from the hospital I went to see a lactation consultant. She helped me some. Ben was okay at nursing and Aaron was just meh. I would still have to pump after feeding them to keep my supply up AND I'd still have to supplement with a bottle. I thought about it but fate took a turn and the boys got RSV and that was that. I would try to nurse them when I could but mostly they were getting expressed milk. I was pumping 7 times a day having given myself the luxury of skipping the middle of the night session. Then I went back to work and quickly it became unrealistic for me to pump every three hours. So I cut back again and then again. Early on I set small goals for myself- make it to two weeks, four weeks, six weeks, eight weeks, twelve weeks and once I made it 3 months I figured I could make it to six months.
On Monday the boys will be five months old. I am down to pumping once a day. A couple of weeks ago I nursed each one of them in the middle of the night as a sort of way to say goodbye to breastfeeding. Even as I write this I am tearing up about it. I'm so disappointed that I couldn't nurse them the way I had hoped. I'm sad that this phase is coming to an end. I'm sad that I didn't get to experience the magic that I did with Emma. But I'm relieved to not have to worry about supply, what I eat and drink and to give up my archenemy the breast pump. I am also proud that I made it as long as I did. With twins, I could have easily said nope not gonna do it but I didn't. I stuck it out and gave my boys the gift of the perfect food for 5 months. And that's okay.
When I found out I was pregnant this time I thought before we knew it was twins that I would breastfeed no question. Then when we found out it was twins I thought "okay how will I do this." It never crossed my mind not to do it. I watched Youtube videos of moms tandem nursing their babies. I bought a twin breastfeeding pillow. I mentally prepared to be flexible about it. I thought maybe I'd nurse one and give one a bottle and then switch for the next feeding. I hoped I'd tandem nurse.
And then reality happened. The boys were born and whisked to the NICU never even getting to try to nurse. They were a full 8 days old before I was allowed to even attempt to nurse them because of their feeding issues. They were so small that their little mouths wouldn't let them nurse well. They tired easily. So I pumped like a mad woman and brought breastmilk to the hospital every day for them. I pumped every 3 hours around the clock, even at night. I was dedicated to getting those babies the milk that they needed.
A few weeks after they came home from the hospital I went to see a lactation consultant. She helped me some. Ben was okay at nursing and Aaron was just meh. I would still have to pump after feeding them to keep my supply up AND I'd still have to supplement with a bottle. I thought about it but fate took a turn and the boys got RSV and that was that. I would try to nurse them when I could but mostly they were getting expressed milk. I was pumping 7 times a day having given myself the luxury of skipping the middle of the night session. Then I went back to work and quickly it became unrealistic for me to pump every three hours. So I cut back again and then again. Early on I set small goals for myself- make it to two weeks, four weeks, six weeks, eight weeks, twelve weeks and once I made it 3 months I figured I could make it to six months.
On Monday the boys will be five months old. I am down to pumping once a day. A couple of weeks ago I nursed each one of them in the middle of the night as a sort of way to say goodbye to breastfeeding. Even as I write this I am tearing up about it. I'm so disappointed that I couldn't nurse them the way I had hoped. I'm sad that this phase is coming to an end. I'm sad that I didn't get to experience the magic that I did with Emma. But I'm relieved to not have to worry about supply, what I eat and drink and to give up my archenemy the breast pump. I am also proud that I made it as long as I did. With twins, I could have easily said nope not gonna do it but I didn't. I stuck it out and gave my boys the gift of the perfect food for 5 months. And that's okay.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Two milestones in the same week
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| snuggle time in Mommy's bed |
Aaron and Ben are smiling up a storm now and are very ticklish. We have had some chuckles out of them but no full blown laughs yet but soon! Ben has rolled over from tummy to back several times. Aaron is working on it but isn't quite there yet. Their arms and legs are constantly going. Once they put it all together we will not be able to keep up with them. They are sleeping MUCH BETTER. We have a nice little routine where they get a bath at 6 pm, bottle by 6:15-6:30 and are in their rock n plays in their room by 7 pm. Yes we put them down awake and sometimes Ben will cry but it usually stops after a couple of minutes. They do still wake up twice at night but I take one feeding and Mike takes the other which makes it managable sort of. They are just the sweetest little people and I can't wait to see what else they do! We may even try some rice cereal soon!
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| Little teacher |
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| Floor time for Aaron |
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| Aaron sleeps like a champ |
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| Sleeping Aaron |
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| They really are identical. Sleeping Ben. |
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| Pirate Ben |
Monday, February 18, 2013
Life is funny
Sometimes I look at my sweet baby boys and can't believe that I successfully gave birth and am raising two identical twin boys. It's truly a miracle. The pregnancy was so rough and the postpartum has been even worse. I think this is God's way of telling me no more babies for me. Though I do confess that I'd like another little girl. Perhaps we'll adopt some day. The boys are starting to smile and coo and kind of giggle which is completely precious. Emma is hilariously funny and so full of life. She is busy ALL THE TIME and never shuts up. It is exhausting.
This weekend Mike and I are going away over night for the first time since Emma was born without kids. I'm crazy excited about it but also anxious because leaving everyone at home is hard. Now they'll be in perfectly capable hands but still very difficult. We'll see what happens.
Another thing that I want to write about is how funny life is. When I was single and my friend had the first baby I just didn't get how her life had changed. Then, I got married and became a "we" instead of a "me" and my life changed and so did my friendships once again. Then I had Emma and went from "we" to family and some friends dropped off, others got closer and new ones formed. Now, with three kids things are completely different. Those friends with one kid can't understand how challenging it is to do anything with two infants and an almost three year old. No more impromptu play dates, no more quick get togethers for wine. It's made me kind of sad because I loved that and spent all summer doing it. Now I feel like I have to choose between play dates for Emma or watching the boys. It sucks. I can't wait until the boys are old enough to play too but until then I am feeling kind of alone and isolated from my friends.
This weekend Mike and I are going away over night for the first time since Emma was born without kids. I'm crazy excited about it but also anxious because leaving everyone at home is hard. Now they'll be in perfectly capable hands but still very difficult. We'll see what happens.
Another thing that I want to write about is how funny life is. When I was single and my friend had the first baby I just didn't get how her life had changed. Then, I got married and became a "we" instead of a "me" and my life changed and so did my friendships once again. Then I had Emma and went from "we" to family and some friends dropped off, others got closer and new ones formed. Now, with three kids things are completely different. Those friends with one kid can't understand how challenging it is to do anything with two infants and an almost three year old. No more impromptu play dates, no more quick get togethers for wine. It's made me kind of sad because I loved that and spent all summer doing it. Now I feel like I have to choose between play dates for Emma or watching the boys. It sucks. I can't wait until the boys are old enough to play too but until then I am feeling kind of alone and isolated from my friends.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Postpartum Depression
So the boys are 3.5 months old and we have settled into a nice little rhythm. Unfortunately, I am still suffering from postpartum depression. I'm taking medicine and seeing a therapist and still can't get over the hump. On the outside I feel okay. When I am caught up in getting the kids ready for the day or ready for bed or working on a project at work I almost feel normal. It's in the quiet moments when I have a second to just be that I feel overwhelmed, sad, tired and angry all at the same time. I hate it. I want to be able to flip a switch in my brain and feel better. At work everyone thinks I'm doing so well and look so refreshed every day but it is all an act I think. I don't feel that way at all. I feel like I am emotionally hanging on by the thinnest of threads and the slightest wind could bring my entire world crashing down. I know this won't last forever and in that I find hope. Still every time I yell at Emma or lose my patience I die a little bit knowing that isn't me and yet I can't seem to help it. I am sharing this only because I feel like I need an outlet to be able to say how I feel. Writing is cathartic for me. It helps me organize my thoughts and feelings. I'm a dork like that. So thanks for letting me share this dark stage of life with you. If you have a moment to say a prayer that I get well, I'd sure appreciate it.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Back to reality
The last few months have flown by in a blur of bottles, pumping, poop and wet diapers. The boys came home from the PCN on Nov. 11 and we couldn't have been happier. The next few weeks were spent trying to comfort screaming babies who ended up having reflux. I struggled with PPD and learning to love this new reality that we have. Then it was Christmas but not before the boys spent Christmas Eve in the hospital thanks to a nasty case of RSV. They did get to come home on Christmas morning. You should have seen Mike and I jump up and get ready when we got the call that they could come home. It just wasn't the same without them. I didn't even shower first! Emma had a slew of presents to open on Christmas and twice said she was done opening gifts and had to take a break. It was a very lovely day.
Fast forward to today, it is my first day back at work. The boys are on their second day at Primrose. Yesterday they did okay except they aren't sleeping at daycare which you'd think would be good for us but really they are overtired when they get home and cranky. Still I love those little monkeys. It is nice to be back at work and functioning in the adult world again. Putting on makeup, drying my hair and wearing real clothes that don't have spit up on them is a nice change. Of course, Mike and I are both completely exhausted and I am really hoping the boys are going to start sleeping through the night here soon. As of now they are ready to play at around 4:30 AM which stinks!
Emma is a little mommy. She will quickly stick a bottle in a mouth if it is crying and is happy to go get a burp cloth for her Ben or her Aaron. I frequently catch her holding hands with her brother in the back seat which is the most adorable thing ever!
Fast forward to today, it is my first day back at work. The boys are on their second day at Primrose. Yesterday they did okay except they aren't sleeping at daycare which you'd think would be good for us but really they are overtired when they get home and cranky. Still I love those little monkeys. It is nice to be back at work and functioning in the adult world again. Putting on makeup, drying my hair and wearing real clothes that don't have spit up on them is a nice change. Of course, Mike and I are both completely exhausted and I am really hoping the boys are going to start sleeping through the night here soon. As of now they are ready to play at around 4:30 AM which stinks!
Emma is a little mommy. She will quickly stick a bottle in a mouth if it is crying and is happy to go get a burp cloth for her Ben or her Aaron. I frequently catch her holding hands with her brother in the back seat which is the most adorable thing ever!
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