Who am I?

It has been too long since I last posted. I think about and write posts in my head every day. But, by the time I stumble into bed and have a moment to myself I can't form a thought.

Quick update on everyone before I share what is on my mind today.

Emma: Pre-k is going well and Emma seems happy to be back into a routine. Fingers crossed but I think she and I may have turned a corner! She is such a sweet, funny girl and such a good big sister. I love that we are reading longer chapter books together at night too.

Aaron: Aaron is the care taker of the twins. He loves to help and is still more laid back. He loves truck, cars and trains when Ben lets him play with them. He is also a little fish. And he is my snuggler!

Ben: Ben is the little brother. Funny and mischievous and a jokester. He loves to dance, play trucks, cars and trains. He also loves when the girls in the neighborhood pay attention to him.

Now that you are all caught up on the kids, here's what is on my mind lately. Identity. Or lack there of as it may be. When I was in the working world, I was defined by my job. I was a PR person at a nonprofit. Now, people ask what I do (and isn't that the first question people ask when you meet them?) and I feel embarrassed and lacking when I say that I am a stay at home mom. Now don't get me wrong, I like staying home with the kids. When I left my job last year, my boss asked me what else I was going to do besides take care of the kids. The question caught me completely off guard and I really wasn't sure how to answer him. I said volunteer at church only because I didn't want to sound pathetic.

In truth, I haven't quite defined myself as anything but the mom to Emma, Aaron and Ben and wife to Mike. I know I need to. My soul tells me so. I pray about it every single night. I also think about returning to work and what that will look like. I have the luxury of being able to decide when to go back and what I want to do. So far I've come up with I want to make a difference. The how hasn't become clear yet. As for right now, I am contemplating getting more involved in the neighborhood. I joined the moms of multiples group but have yet to go to a meeting. I write here on this blog and for Twiniversity. But I can go days and the only people I talk to are the checkout people at Target and Emma's preschool teacher. I NEED adult interaction. What does everyone else do? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

We Survived The Summer...Barely

Well we did it. It wasn't always pretty and in fact, sometimes it was down right ugly but we survived the summer. The three kids and I had a lot of fun. It seemed to go by so quickly, yet the days were long. We tried out the new splash pad at the Twin Hickory park. We went to CMOR many times. We swam in the backyard pool. We tried story time twice! We even went to the big pool once when my mom and sister were visiting. We made crafts and art and lots of tasty treats. Emma took swimming lessons. The boys played at the gym with other kids and I got to take a class or two.

We never did get to Maymont or to Lewis Ginter or to Stony Point. There just wasn't time. We had just as much fun in the backyard to be honest.

Now that I've covered what we did and did not do, let me let you in on the dirty secrets. Emma and I spent the better part of the summer in a sort of WWE Cage Match. Every single day was a showdown. Was Emma going to listen and behave? Was Mommy going to lose her mind and her cool? Many, many days I failed as a parent. I was bested by a 4 year old. I acted like a child. Throwing tantrums and yelling like a mad woman because Emma knows just what buttons to push to send me over the edge. And she pushes them just as her brothers are having a melt down. Every night I pray to God that he will give me strength and help me be a better mom to Emma. The other night God spoke to me in a way that I could finally here the message. He told me that my attitude and behavior is being picked up by my children and that unless I wanted my kids to remember their childhood mommy as a screamer and scary, then I need to change. Not the four year old or the almost two year olds, ME. I hear you Lord. I hear you loud and clear. I have already failed today but tomorrow is a new day. And I want to be the mom that my kids need me to be.

Venturing Out

When the boys were little there is no way that I was brave enough to take them and Emma out in public alone. Well, as a stay at home mom now, I really have no choice unless I want to run all my errands at night or go crazy. When you have twins you learn really fast which stores you can go in and which ones you cannot. For example, our Walmart has NO buggies with the little seats you can strap the twins into. But, Target, Kroger and even Foodlion does. Martin's has one pitiful looking bench seat buggy and a few cars that the kids can easily escape from. Costco is my favorite by far in terms of buggies.

Then their are restaurants. Now I have to say we do not eat out a lot. Actually rarely these days. Chick-Fil-A is fantastic because of the play area but also because you can go through the drive through and tell them you want the mommy service and then bring the kids in and have your food waiting for you at a table. AWESOME!

Recently we joined the YMCA and let me say I have never loved dropping my kids off somewhere more than I do when I take a swim class.

All this has made me super confident and I can now take all three kids to the Children's Museum by myself. We even went to a petting zoo!

On Facebook I've heard comments about how brave I am. Not really. I expect everything we do to be a complete disaster and therefore am not too flustered when melt downs happen. I pack lots of snacks and drinks and bribes. I ignore tears if I have to get something done. We sing ALOT of silly songs everywhere we go. People probably think I am crazy. But we get it done.

This summer all three kids will be home with me all day, everyday. I'm excited and extremely nervous. Will I be able to take all three to the pool by myself? What else will we do to entertain ourselves? I'm coming up with a theme for each day of the week. Music Monday, Water Wednesday etc. But here's what I know- we will try to go to the pool. If it doesn't work, no big deal. We'll try to go to Lewis Ginter and if that doesn' t work out, we'll try something else.

While there are many things I'm still getting  used to as a stay at home mother, one of the best parts is having adventures with the kids and seeing where the day takes us. I have my husband to thank for the opportunity!

Ode To A Broken Foot

It was the party to end all parties. Emma and her sweet friend Aubrey were having a co-birthday party at our house. The FunBus was coming to entertain the 21 plus kids who had RSVPd. The weather was perfect at a warm 70 degrees and all seemed to be going well minus the refusal of the two birthday girls to actually play on the FunBus. This led dear old Mom to try to cajole Emma into participating which then led Mom to step the wrong way descending the bus stairs and stepping onto our driveway. The fall was EPIC I tell you. Emma screamed. My camera clunked to the ground and I face planted. Taking stock of my injuries, I knew there was something terribly wrong with my foot/ankle. Sure enough, the PA at Patient First saw a break in my 5th Metatarsol. The ortho surgeon diagnosed it as a Jones Fracture (the worst kind) and surgery was ordered.

Mike and I looked at each other with lumps in our throats and nausea in our stomachs. I had just become a stay at home mom in November and here we were with one income and having to figure out what to do with our kids while I was incapacitated. Thankfully my wonderful inlaws were able to help us out financially so we could put the boys back in daycare. My SIL and FIL came and cleaned our house top to bottom.Wonderful friends have been bringing food by and my mom came to help out for two weeks. But let me tell you this...my husband has been a rock star.

Nothing and I mean nothing tries your marriage faster than being a man down with three kids. Okay yes I'm sure there are other things but you see what I mean. The poor guy has been working around the clock taking care of me, the kids and the house. Tempers have flared and even boiled over on more than one occasion. He is exhausted and I am tired of being helpless so it was bound to happen. Everyone is still alive. The house is reasonably clean and everyone has food. I call that success.

Next week it's back to the surgeon who will hopefully proclaim me healed so I can get on with this business of running our lives! Until then, I hobble along for another week.

You cannot be Type A with three kids

Technically I guess you can be Type A with kids but either you will go crazy or your kids will require years of therapy to undo all of the neuroses you gave them.

I am hardcore Type A myself. I believe everything has a place and should be put in it. I believe in being five minutes early. I make lists and feel a sense of accomplishment when I cross something off the list. I think kids should play with one toy at a time and put it away before getting out another one.

With one kid this all is still possible. But with three kids under four, forget it. That is something I have learned these past few months staying at home. I can make all the plans I want and the boys may decide that today they only want to be held or play trucks. Emma may come home from school in a snit. A kid will poop in the tub, the dog will vomit and the phone will ring during nap.

So I am learning to let go. Sure it all still makes me cringe but it doesn't make me a complete basket case! That's progress for this old dog.

Mother vs. Daughter

It is a power of wills really. Mother vs. daughter- the ultimate fight through the ages. At our house, it has begun already. At three, Emma knows ALL of my buttons to push and I know hers. We fight like she is a teenager! We fight over bed times, hair brushing, getting dressed, eating and well pretty much every other thing you can think of. It's astounding. I keep promising myself that I'm going to stop engaging in this craziness but then she yells at me to "leave her alone." And, well, promise broken.

If this is us now, I cannot even begin to imagine how explosive our arguments are going to be during Em's teenage years. I'm not sure the Earth can contain that kind of energy.

I've read Understanding Your Spirited Child. I've read 123 Magic. I've read What to Expect the toddler years. I've Googled my self crazy. I got nothing.

For now, I am crossing my fingers and toes that this is an awful phase we are both going through. And making a promise that hopefully today I won't poke the monster too much.

Merry Christmas

Here's the thing about Christmas. I hate it. There I have said it. I try every year to get "in the Christmas spirit." But I just can't. I thought it would change with kids but nope. I fake it better to be sure. We've decorated the house, made cookies, made a gingerbread house, seen tacky Christmas lights, talked to Santa and even wrapped presents. I've listened to hours of Christmas music and still nothing.

When I was a little girl there were years where we had nothing under our Christmas tree or years when I know my mom was stretching a dollar to put something there and my mind still flashes back to that time. Then were times when we had tons of presents and that was exciting. Still, I just hate the commercialism of Christmas. Cardboard boxes, wrapping paper and gifts you probably don't want or like in the first place hold no place in my heart. What I love to have for Christmas and that makes me happy is having family around and making them happy. With three kids under the age of 4, it is important for Santa to visit our house. So by choice, we don't travel. Not to mention what a HUGE pain it is to pack up three kids and all of their stuff! This year  my parents can't travel either because my stepdad's leg is very fragile and with no income coming in, traveling 5 hours just isn't an option. Mike's family is in NJ meeting Nick's future in-laws. And so, we will celebrate Christmas as our little family of five. Later my brother will come over for dinner.

But you know what that is okay. We have made our own family and perhaps seeing the joy on my babies' faces when they open up gifts will finally chase away the shadows of Christmas' past.

Merry Christmas to all.

Perspective

So sometimes I catch myself starting to cry when I look at Ben. He is such a sweet and funny little boy and it breaks my heart to know that he is going to have surgery. Fear takes over sometimes and I am overcome.

And then there was tonight. I heard that a very sweet little girl Emma knows has cancer. She is three! She has to have chemo. Dear Lord does that make Ben having a pointy head seem not so bad. At least we know that his issue is easily fixed with surgery. Yes there are risks but not like with cancer.

So today I am deeply and profoundly grateful for the blessings that I have. The healthy children that I have. The surgeons that will care for Ben and I offer up huge prayers for the sweet little girl and her family. Amen.

Celebrating One Year!

The twins turn one on Friday. It is hard to believe that a year has gone by. We SURVIVED! That in itself is cause to celebrate! Every twin parent that we have run into since I was pregnant told us that the first six months to a year are the hardest and reassured us that it does get better. When we were knee deep in screaming babies and sleep deprived, I didn't believe them. The only thing that got me through those early days was thinking about making it to six months and then a year.

Well, here we are. And all of those parents were right. Once we enforced cry it out and got the boys sleeping through the night, things improved dramatically. Sleep is a beautiful thing. And now that the boys can interact, eat real food and are starting to cruise, it is so fun! That's right I said fun!

I'm so looking forward to spending quality time with all three of our monsters because I know the next thing I know it I'll be writing about Emma getting married and the boys going off to college!

We did have our family pictures and the twins 1 year old pictures done by my dear friend Amy Wilson this weekend. They are beautiful and capture the children's personalitites!

Benjamin is on the right and Aaron on the left. This captures them exactly. Ben is the always smiling, silly one. Aaron is a bit more reserved and relaxed.

Emma does not like having her picture taken and the boys weren't quite sure what was happening but I still love it!
 

Ben really liked getting his picture taken!

Such a happy baby.

He takes my breath away with his cuteness.

Aaron showing that he is a happy boy too!

This is  my favorite because of the expression on his face and the intensity of his eyes!

Aaron was very interested in what was happening.

I really wanted Emma to pose with her brothers but that was a no go. I did convince her to have fun throwing pine needles and we got one photo!

Life Changing Decisions

Oh where to start. First an update on the kids I guess.

Emma

Em is doing well mostly. She is having some struggles with being clingy but that's about it. She started soccer  in September and well that hasn't gone well. Turns out she REALLY doesn't like organized activities. She is totally fine kicking the ball around and playing until the coach blows the whistle to start drills. Then she puts her thumb in her mouth and that is that. I think she gets overwhelmed. Who knows.

Other good news is Emma is back in her own bed! For months she slept on a cot in our room. At first it was sweet and totally okay-better than sleeping in our bed. Then slowly her dolls, books and toys started moving in too. She was relocating and that was bad. So, I read her stories in her own big girl bed and snuggle with her until she falls asleep. Now I'm working on shortening the snuggle time so she can fall asleep on her own. Progress.

Em has also made friends in the cul-de-sac which is so cute. She's so little next to all the other kids. She gets so excited in the afternoon when we make the turn into the cul-de-sac and sees friends outside. She grabs her bike, a bunch of popscicles and drinks and rushes to meet her friends. I'm hoping her friends aren't using her for popscicles!


Aaron

Aaron is about 20 lbs and so sweet. He is the more reserved twin, preferring to hang back from strangers and chaos while Ben is in the thick of it. He can say Dada and All Done (kind of). He waves bye bye and loves to wrestle with his brother. His eyes light up when he sees his Daddy or his sister. He is cruising and just about to walk I think. If you hold his little hands, he takes off walking. He is finally sleeping through the night most nights. He's do to get tubes in his ears in the next few weeks. Little man has had bronchitis for a few weeks and couldn't get his tubes because of it. His favorite toy of all time is a little yellow, blue and red broom that was Emma's. He will drag that thing around the house with him. He has 8 teeth and loves fruit, veggies and gold fish. He is a bit more picky than Ben and doesn't like to try new foods. He does love frozen blueberries though!

Ben

Ben is hilarious. He is the happiest baby, always quick with a smile. He loves his sister so much. He and Aaron are inseparable which is so sweet. I love it when they "talk" to each other. Ben loves hockey sticks. We have a bunch of mini ones and he will make a beeline to them every time. He sleeps really well through the night and always is the first to wake up and start babbling. He is also cruising and though slightly less ready to walk than Aaron. He can wave bye bye and says Dada and Mama. Ben is cutting his 7th and 8th teeth right now and loves to eat. He will eat just about anything. He's also a huge fan of frozen blueberries.

Unfortunately, Ben is facing a very serious surgery in December. He has been diagnosed with moderate craniosystonosis, Essentially the suture that runs from his nose up his forehead and to his soft spot fused too early and so he has a pointy forehead. At first, we thought nothing of it and his pediatrician just said he'd have a pointy head. Thanks to a friend's blog, I realized this was more serious than a pointy head and so we switched pediatricians back to Dr. Tull and started seeing a craniofacial surgeon. The first visit both surgeons that we saw thought he was more mild and maybe we wouldn't need to do anything but wait and see. Two months later we went back and he was diagnosed with moderate and needs surgery. I'm very nervous for him. Essentially the surgeons will go in and cut his skull in a zig zag from ear to ear and then reconstruct his forehead and bridge of his nose. The surgery lasts about 5 hours. There is a chance he could need a blood transfusion so he will be getting shots of something called Procrit to help him produce extra red blood cells before surgery. They will also use something called a recirculator so any blood he uses will be put right back into his body. Hopefully this prevents the need for a transfusion. Then, once the surgery is done, little man spends two days in the hospital during which time his body and head will swell. His eyes will swell shut. This is the part that scares me the most. I can't even imagine how awful this is going to be for Ben. Mike and I are both planning on being at the hospital for him and having a grandparent stay with Emma and Aaron. We will need to explain things to Emma at some point. Finally, once Ben can open his eyes, he gets to come home where he has to take it easy for 3 weeks.

The entire reason that the surgery is absolutely necessary is because having the misshapen head can result in Ben's brain not being able to grow the proper way and may result in developmental delays later on. He will also start to look more "weird" as time goes on. The surgery fixes all that and he will not remember thank goodness. So as surgery gets closer, we'll appreciate any prayers you want to send our way!

Big Decision

A few weeks ago my mom was in ICU, intubated for 5 days and we weren't sure if she was going to live to be honest.  Ben's surgery weighs on my mind every day. Combine those two things with taking care of everyone, going to a full time career every day and coming home to rush around and do it all again the next day and well it was a recipe for disaster. Last week the bubble burst so to speak. My boss pointed out to me during our monthly supervision that my stress level was starting to impact my work. Long story short, I burst into tears and sobbed like a baby. At first I was mad. How dare he when I work so hard. Then as Mike and I soul searched we really started talking about if it made sense for me to work anymore. The numbers say no. My heart said no. Finally, Mike left it up to me to make the decision. On Tuesday, I resigned from my job. My last day isn't for a while-mid-November- but it feels good.

Immediately, I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders and a sense of peace wash over me. It just makes so much sense. The boys are going to stay with me and Emma will go to preschool every morning from 8:30 to 12:30 and then spend the rest of the day with Mommy. I am beyond excited to be able to do this. Bonus-I get to cook again, no rushing around in the morning or at night and some of the burden of handling sick kids is lifted off of Mike. And I can concentrate on Ben come December. There may still be opportunities for me to do some freelance stuff but for now I'm looking forward to story time at the library and play dates.

Last but not least, here are some recent pics of the kids!

An Update on the Toscano Triple Threats

It has been forever since I have written a post. I guess having busy twins and a crazy 3 year old will do that. When we first had the twins, many, many experienced twin parents told us it gets better after 6 months. At the time, that felt like forever. Now though, the twins are almost 9 months old and I have to say that it really is true. Things get much better after 6 months. Now our monkeys still don't sleep all night but they have stopped crying when they are awake and play and crawl all over and are generally happy. We have an established routine that I dare not vary for fear of what might happen.

Emma completely adores her brothers, especially now that they can interact more. The other morning Aaron was crawling in the upstairs hall (gate to stairs securely closed) and Emma pats her leg and says "come on Aaron. come to my room." Yep, knew that was coming. The twins LOVE Emma too. Their eyes light up when she enters the room. They love it when she pulls on them, sits on them, rocks them too hard etc. Thank heaven they are made of sturdy stuff! Personally terror would be in my eyes if I saw her coming my way!

Both boys are crawling and curious Aaron is into everything and already pulling up to standing. Not good news for this momma! Emma is in preschool and doing really well. She is diabolically smart and rememberes EVERYTHING! She is busy from sun up until she passes out. We tried out ballet this spring and that was an epic fail. Miss E doesn't feel that she needs to do what everyone else is doing and so ballet was not for her. Though, at home, she demonstrates every single position, jump and turn that she learned! Go figure.

We are trying soccer in the fall so we'll see how that goes. At the very least, maybe it will tire her out a little. Emma's favorite thing to do is read. No, she can't actually read yet but she has memorized many of her favorite stories and then reads them to her brothers. So adorable.

So for my many friends who are having twins or triplets, know that it really does get better I promise. Until then, just keeping doing what you can to stay above water!

Benjamin sharing his puffs

Emma and Ben

She's thinking something that probably isn't good.

Aaron on the left and Ben on the right prefer to touch whenever possible.

Aaron AKA Kramer

Benjamin can sit up!

Ballet Emma

Butterfly, ballerina, princess, harmonica player

I love this one. They are having the best time.

That's Emma's back side while she was still participating.
 

Like this mom?
 

Breastfeeding

When I was pregnant with Emma, I knew without a doubt that I wanted to breastfeed. I got lots of comments from family about it and why would I do that and it's gross etc etc. I didn't care. From the moment she was born I nursed her. To say it was easy would be a lie. I had to work at it ALOT. I wanted to quit many times. But we made it 7 months before she decided she was far too busy to nurse and weaned herself. During those 7 months it was magical. Not only is breastfeeding so convenient (hello instant food) but the bond is unbelievable. If you are a guy or a woman who hasn't done it, you won't get it. There is just something about being able to provide the perfect food for your child and seeing their beautiful eyes as they nurse that is amazing.

When I found out I was pregnant this time I thought before we knew it was twins that I would breastfeed no question. Then when we found out it was twins I thought "okay how will I do this." It never crossed my mind not to do it. I watched Youtube videos of moms tandem nursing their babies. I bought a twin breastfeeding pillow. I mentally prepared to be flexible about it. I thought maybe I'd nurse one and give one a bottle and then switch for the next feeding. I hoped I'd tandem nurse.

And then reality happened. The boys were born and whisked to the NICU never even getting to try to nurse. They were a full 8 days old before I was allowed to even attempt to nurse them because of their feeding issues. They were so small that their little mouths wouldn't let them nurse well. They tired easily. So I pumped like a mad woman and brought breastmilk to the hospital every day for them. I pumped every 3 hours around the clock, even at night. I was dedicated to getting those babies the milk that they needed.

A few weeks after they came home from the hospital I went to see a lactation consultant. She helped me some. Ben was okay at nursing and Aaron was just meh. I would still have to pump after feeding them to keep my supply up AND I'd still have to supplement with a bottle. I thought about it but fate took a turn and the boys got RSV and that was that. I would try to nurse them when I could but mostly they were getting expressed milk. I was pumping 7 times a day having given myself the luxury of skipping the middle of the night session. Then I went back to work and quickly it became unrealistic for me to pump every three hours. So I cut back again and then again. Early on I set small goals for myself- make it to two weeks, four weeks, six weeks, eight weeks, twelve weeks and once I made it 3 months I figured I could make it to six months.

On Monday the boys will be five months old. I am down to pumping once a day. A couple of weeks ago I nursed each one of them in the middle of the night as a sort of way to say goodbye to breastfeeding. Even as I write this I am tearing up about it. I'm so disappointed that I couldn't nurse them the way I had hoped. I'm sad that this phase is coming to an end. I'm sad that I didn't get to experience the magic that I did with Emma. But I'm relieved to not have to worry about supply, what I eat and drink and to give up my archenemy the breast pump. I am also proud that I made it as long as I did. With twins, I could have easily said nope not gonna do it but I didn't. I stuck it out and gave my boys the gift of the perfect food for 5 months. And that's okay.

Two milestones in the same week

snuggle time in Mommy's bed

On Friday, Aaron and Ben will be 4 months old! On Saturday, Emma turns 3! I can't believe it. My babies are all getting so big. Emma's vocabulary is huge. She is full of life and energy and just makes us laugh and laugh with her antics. She is such a good big sister. She jumps right in and reads stories to her brothers, gives them bottles or pacifiers when they cry, and this morning she got out some rattles and was dancing around in front of them to get them to calm down.  She also opens the fridge and gets her own snacks now which is good and a sad testament to our parenting at the moment! But there are still glimmers of our little baby in there like when she forgot to put her little potty seat on the toilet and fell in! Each day I grow more infatuated with that little monkey.

Aaron and Ben are smiling up a storm now and are very ticklish. We have had some chuckles out of them but no full blown laughs yet but soon! Ben has rolled over from tummy to back several times. Aaron is working on it but isn't quite there yet. Their arms and legs are constantly going. Once they put it all together we will not be able to keep up with them. They are sleeping MUCH BETTER. We have a nice little routine where they get a bath at 6 pm, bottle by 6:15-6:30 and are in their rock n plays in their room by 7 pm. Yes we put them down awake and sometimes Ben will cry but it usually stops after a couple of minutes. They do still wake up twice at night but I take one feeding and Mike takes the other which makes it managable sort of. They are just the sweetest little people and I can't wait to see what else they do! We may even try some rice cereal soon!

Little teacher
 

Floor time for Aaron
 

Aaron sleeps like a champ
 

Sleeping Aaron
 

They really are identical. Sleeping Ben.

Pirate Ben




 

Life is funny

Sometimes I look at my sweet baby boys and can't believe that I successfully gave birth and am raising two identical twin boys. It's truly a miracle. The pregnancy was so rough and the postpartum has been even worse. I think this is God's way of telling me no more babies for me. Though I do confess that I'd like another little girl. Perhaps we'll adopt some day. The boys are starting to smile and coo and kind of giggle which is completely precious. Emma is hilariously funny and so full of life. She is busy ALL THE TIME and never shuts up. It is exhausting.

This weekend Mike and I are going away over night for the first time since Emma was born without kids. I'm crazy excited about it but also anxious because leaving everyone at home is hard. Now they'll be in perfectly capable hands but still very difficult. We'll see what happens.

Another thing that I want to write about is how funny life is. When I was single and my friend had the first baby I just didn't get how her life had changed. Then, I got married and became a "we" instead of a "me" and my life changed and so did my friendships once again. Then I had Emma and went from "we" to family and some friends dropped off, others got closer and new ones formed. Now, with three kids things are completely different. Those friends with one kid can't understand how challenging it is to do anything with two infants and an almost three year old. No more impromptu play dates, no more quick get togethers for wine. It's made me kind of sad because I loved that and spent all summer doing it. Now I feel like I have to choose between play dates for Emma or watching the boys. It sucks. I can't wait until the boys are old enough to play too but until then I am feeling kind of alone and isolated from my friends.

Postpartum Depression

So the boys are 3.5 months old and we have settled into a nice little rhythm. Unfortunately, I am still suffering from postpartum depression. I'm taking medicine and seeing a therapist and still can't get over the hump. On the outside I feel okay. When I am caught up in getting the kids ready for the day or ready for bed or working on a project at work I almost feel normal. It's in the quiet moments when I have a second to just be that I feel overwhelmed, sad, tired and angry all at the same time. I hate it. I want to be able to flip a switch in my brain and feel better. At work everyone thinks I'm doing so well and look so refreshed every day but it is all an act I think. I don't feel that way at all. I feel like I am emotionally hanging on by the thinnest of threads and the slightest wind could bring my entire world crashing down. I know this won't last forever and in that I find hope. Still every time I yell at Emma or lose my patience I die a little bit knowing that isn't me and yet I can't seem to help it. I am sharing this only because I feel like I need an outlet to be able to say how I feel. Writing is cathartic for me. It helps me organize my thoughts and feelings. I'm a dork like that. So thanks for letting me share this dark stage of life with you. If you have a moment to say a prayer that I get well, I'd sure appreciate it.

Back to reality

The last few months have flown by in a blur of bottles, pumping, poop and wet diapers. The boys came home from the PCN on Nov. 11 and we couldn't have been happier. The next few weeks were spent trying to comfort screaming babies who ended up having reflux. I struggled with PPD and learning to love this new reality that we have. Then it was Christmas but not before the boys spent Christmas Eve in the hospital thanks to a nasty case of RSV. They did get to come home on Christmas morning. You should have seen Mike and I jump up and get ready when we got the call that they could come home. It just wasn't the same without them. I didn't even shower first! Emma had a slew of presents to open on Christmas and twice said she was done opening gifts and had to take a break. It was a very lovely day.

Fast forward to today, it is my first day back at work. The boys are on their second day at Primrose. Yesterday they did okay except they aren't sleeping at daycare which you'd think would be good for us but really they are overtired when they get home and cranky. Still I love those little monkeys. It is nice to be back at work and functioning in the adult world again. Putting on makeup, drying my hair and wearing real clothes that don't have spit up on them is a nice change. Of course, Mike and I are both completely exhausted and I am really hoping the boys are going to start sleeping through the night here soon. As of now they are ready to play at around 4:30 AM which stinks!

Emma is a little mommy. She will quickly stick a bottle in a mouth if it is crying and is happy to go get a burp cloth for her Ben or her Aaron. I frequently catch her holding hands with her brother in the back seat which is the most adorable thing ever!

The Arrival of Aaron and Ben

I  haven't written  blog in a long time mainly because I just didn't have anything to say. My anxiety over the end of my pregnancy and the arrival of the boys was too high and I was just trying to keep it together mentally. This entry might be a bit scattered too because I have so much to say! First the story of how the twins arrived.

My OB, Dr. Murray, had scheduled me to be induced on Nov. 6. The boys looked good and we were going to call it on Nov. 2 whether I was going to have a c-section or try for a vaginal birth. For a few weeks I had been feeling a lot of pressure as Aaron made his way into my cervix. At around 3:20 am on Halloween I started having contractions and tried all the tricks- drinking water, changing position and going potty. Nothing worked and the contractions went from 10 mins apart to 5 mins apart. So at 4:30 I gave in and woke Mike up and called the on call dr. She told me to come to the hospital. Mike and I showered and got ready, called our neighbor to come be with Emma and off we went to the hospital. We get to Labor and Delivery and the on call doctor checks me and I was 4 cm dilated and 70% effaced. The week before I was nothing. So I get a nice fancy delivery room to hang out in while they pump fluid in me and hope to stop my contractions. At this point let me say that I did not understand how critically important it was for the boys to stay put. I was 35 weeks 3 days pregnant. After about 5 or 6 hours, the contractions stop and unfortunately my blood pressure is now high and I am showing signs of preeclampsia. Combine that with being 4 cm and I found myself admitted to the hospital. The thought was that I'd be there until my scheduled induction.

I was not happy about this. I was not prepared to be in the hospital so long and hadn't even prepared Emma for this. The neonatologist came in to talk to Mike and I about what we could expect when the twins finally made their arrival.  We were in shock to realize that our boys were most likely going to endure a NICU stay. At no point did we expect this because every week my perinatal doctor told me the boys looked great. I took that to mean they were developing well and would be ok. What it really must have meant was that they looked great for their age. Not sure if we didn't ask the right questions or if we were just too naive. In any case, this was a surprise and something we both struggled with the rest of the night.

Mike left around 5 to take Emma trick or treating with her friends so we could keep her life from being disrupted too much. I watched bad tv and finally tried to go to sleep at around 10.  really thought I'd pass right out since I had been up so long but no such luck. So at around  11:30 I asked the nurse for Ambien. Finally I passed out around 12:30. Around 3:30 I started having cramps that woke me up. As I shifted in bed to try to find a comfortable position to ease my discomfort, I felt a gush of fluid. At first I thought I must have peed on myself since Aaron had been pushing on my bladder for a while. I quickly realized that my water had broken! I called the nurse and she tested the fluid and it was indeed my water breaking. From there things happened very quickly. There are things I don' t remember and things I probably remember out of sequence. Remember I was like 4 hours into having taken Ambien so I was out of it. Contractions started almost immediately after my water broke and they came fast and hard. I didn't really feel strong contractions with Emma because I was induced and had my epidural early. Let me just say that holy cow contractions are the worst pain I have ever felt.

I called Mike at 3:45 and told him what was going on. He asked how much time he had and I told him to take his time. Thank God he didn't go back to sleep because he so didn't have any time to spare. The nurses got me onto a stretcher and off I went to Labor and Delivery. The on call doctor came in and checked me and I was still at 4 cm but 50% effaced. They had to take some blood because my platelet counts were low and that makes a big difference on whether or not you can get an epidural. So at this point I'm laboring and it hurts and Mike is not there and I'm scared. My nurse is trying to help me through the contractions by telling me to control the pain, breathe through them etc. I just wanted to hit her to be honest. I never intended to labor naturally and was completely unprepared for dealing with this. In hindsight, the nurse was awesome and exactly what I needed.

Around 5 AM, Mike gets there and is immediately at my side, holding my hands and trying to comfort me as best he can. Shortly there after, the anastesialogist (no idea how to spell that) comes in and explains that my platelet count is low which increases the risks of putting in the epidural. I could be paralized or bleed out and not stop bleeding etc etc. But he said that he'd still tell his wife to get it. Enough said. So I sit on the side of the bed and in between the excruciating contractions he puts in the epidural. Immediately I get some relief. I am laying on my right side letting that side go numb for a few minutes and then as I start to go numb they put in a catheter and tell me to lay on my left side so that side gets evenly numb. At this point it is around 6:15ish, I roll over and as I do I feel a weird pain down there. I tell the nurse and she checks me. She calmly tells me to hit my call bell to call the nurses. When someone answers, she says she needs help stat. She then tells  me there is a head peaking out. Once again, things happen crazy fast. Apparently when you have twins you don't labor and deliver in the room you are in but in the OR just in case baby B goes into distress. So they don't even put me on a stretcher but just push my bed into the OR and move the existing bed in the OR to the side. Mike comes in dressed in a jump suit and hair cover. The dr does a quick ultrasound to make sure both boys are head down and turns around to get ready to deliver. I apparently have a huge contraction and feel something coming out of me. I tell the doctor that I swear I'm not pushing but the baby is coming out. Sure enough, the doctor looks and gasps and out comes Aaron with absolutely no pushing!

The NICU team quickly takes Aaron away and start doing what they do. Mike runs and gets the camera as we wait for baby B.  Ben is still pretty high up and so a nurse is pushing on my stomach pushing him lower as I am told to push. The doctor might have also used forcepts to pull him down but I'm not sure. Three pushes later and out pops Ben. The NICU team takes him away too and Mike snaps pictures.

So three hours start to finish and three pushes later and both boys arrived on Nov. 1 at 6:30 am and 6:45 am. Both boys were breathing on their own and their apgar scores were both 9.9. Aaron weighed 5.4 lbs and was 17.5 inches long and Ben was 5.2 lbs and 17.5 inches long.

The days that followed the birth of the boys has been a roller coaster. The boys started off in the NICU and when I called down around 2 PM to see if they were there or in the PCN I was told that they were going to the regular nursery at 7 pm. Then a nurse told me I was moving to the post partum unit because the babies were moving to the nursery.When we went to see them, they were in the PCN! And they weren't eating well. The next day both boys had feeding tubes in their noses. Then, Ben got an IV to dilute his blood and yesterday he got put under the phototherapy lights.  But his little light bulb for feeding has gone off and now it is just getting him to suck more efficiently. Aaron is doing well but his little light bulb still hasn't quite gone off for feeding yet. I'm hopeful that it will soon.

They are absolutely adorable and I spend every morning with them. My favorite thing to do is called kangaroo care where I strip down to my bra and strip the boys down to their diapers and we snuggle skin to skin with blankets and a hospital gown over us. The boys love it and they really love it when they get to do it together.

So there you have the whole story. More to come as this story continues. We do appreciate all of our friends, family and others who have sent messages and prayers our way. Keep them coming. In the mean time, here are a few pictures of the boys.

Benjamin Michael Toscano

Aaron James Toscano

Where has the time gone?

It's been months since I last wrote a blog entry. I have a good excuse. No really I do. For the month of August, Emma and I both got sick with colds which turned into pneumonia. We were very concerned that Emma was going to end up in the hospital but a last minute dose of steriods pulled her out of the woods thank goodness. Unfortunately, mommy wasn't so lucky. While we were busy taking care of Emma, Mommy's cold morphed into a rather nasty case of pneumonia that landed me in the hospital for 6 days. I seriously didn't know I was that sick. I thought oh sure they'd give me some good antibiotics and I'd be home the next day. Trouble was I kept getting worse and worse. Finally on like day 4, the lung doctor ordered extra strength steriods for me and that seemed to be just what I needed! I seriously thought I was going to die for a few days there. When your doctor is talking about intubating you things get a little serious.

So that was August. I didn't get out of the hospital until Labor day. Through all this the boys were totally fine. Then September I was seriously trying to recover from being sick and trying to get in some last minute fun with Emma. We went to the state fair over the weekend and Emma had so much fun. She loved feeding the animals at the petting zoo. She loved riding rides and going down the giant slide. She loved eating french fries for lunch. All in all it was a good time.

We've spent the last month getting the bedrooms switched around and as of yesterday we have 1 and 3/4 of the cribs together! Big day for us. Those babies may have somewhere to sleep yet. We have also decided on names which we aren't really sharing with the world yet as we could very well change our minds.

As for everything else, well it's all a blur. I don't think I have been this stressed out in my entire life. Between work, home, marriage, 2.5 year old and babies I may seriously end up in the mental ward. This is why I decided to start my maternity leave a little early. I just can't handle everything and don't have the energy to be patient and nice to stupid people. So today I'm talking to my doctor about leaving in 3 weeks. I'm sure she will have no problem with this!

Where has the summer gone?

Oh how I hate to see the school supplies come out in July! I still get this knot in my stomach that school is coming even though I've been out of school for a long time. This summer seems to be flying by way too quickly though I won't be sad to see the hot weather go away. We have spent the entire summer just having fun. Emma has been taking swimming lessons and after 3 lessons they finally took so we signed her up for 4 more weeks. She is now so brave that she jumps right off the side of the pool whether you are ready to catch her or not. She doesn't mind if she goes under and bobs back up either. I'm not sure that I like this new fearlessness as it was far more convenient when she was afraid and I knew she wouldn't try to jump in before Mommy has her shoes off. Still though it is very exciting to see her taking this very big step in big girl land.

Besides spending a lot of time at the pool, we went to Busch Gardens with Emma's friend Addy and her mom. The girls had an absolute blast playing together. Check out this video!

Emma's two best friends are Addy and Morgan and those three girls have a good time wherever they go. It's a hoot to watch them. And they tire each other out which is a win for us mommies! We recently discovered that Emma isn't afraid of bounce houses anymore. Well off we went to Pump It Up on Sunday with Addison and those two had the place all to themselves for about an hour. Over and over again on all the bouncy things. I just love that these three have each other.

We went to the beach in July and of course that was a blast for Miss Emma. She didn't like the waves at first and the sand bothered her but by the end of the week she was laying on a boogie board in the ocean and building sand castles. She has a little boogie board that she takes in the bath with her sometimes actually.

My absolute favorite thing that Emma is doing now is singing constantly. There is nothing sweeter than the voice of a two year old singing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, Mary Had A Little Lamb, Itsy Bitsy Spider or a dozen other songs that the kid knows. She also randomly recited the Pledge of Allegiance the other day which was so ridiculously cute.

We have also spent the entire summer prepping Emma for the impending arrival of baby brothers. We talk about them alot and she is allowed to lift up my shirt (not in public mind you though she has tried a few times) and say hi to them and kiss my belly. We include them in night night prayers. We ask her what their names should be and explain that all the baby stuff coming down from the attic is for her baby brothers. She seems reasonably okay with all of this. Now when push comes to shove, I have no idea how it will go. Right now she is glued to me at all times. She asks me to move my tummy so she can sit in my lap. (if only I could, if only I could) But I am sure that my good little helper will be okay, perhaps with some key bribery involved.

Now as for baby brothers. They have tentative names which we aren't revealing in case we change our minds which is possible. They are moving and grooving right along. They kick me alot and give me heart burn and indigestion and headaches but I have grown rather fond of them in spite of this.  Right now my main goal is to get a room done for them so they have somewhere to sleep!

As for Papa Bear, he's hanging in there.  There are times when I want to strangle him. Times when I've actually figured out where to bury his body and then there are times when I just am so thankful. In all seriousness, this pregnancy has not been easy. I was sick for a long time, still tired, now huge and can't do much and Mike has really stepped up and done everything he could to keep us afloat. Is our house a mess? Always (except when Jackie comes to clean!). Is the laundry folded and put away? not a chance. But is there food on the table, dishes done, dogs and cats fed, litter box cleaned, Emma's toys put away periodically, Emma played with, Momma happy and resting- YOU BETCHA! For that I am so thankful and so glad. Thank you honey. I love you.

So that's it for our summer. Here are a few pics to enjoy!

Marriage and Children

Our little family about to be a big family. 

Lately I have been feeling a little sad and a little mad. Marriage and children are not for the faint of heart. Those of you who are married with kids know this. Many times two married people may not agree on any number of things. Our big issues generally are cleaning and how we communicate with each other. At least from my point of view! Now add in caring for a little person 24-7 and it's a recipe for stress, fights and a lot of fun all at the same time. I have to say that the last few months have been a little bit of all three for our family but things seem to be on the up swing as Mike and I are trying really hard to work on our communication skills. Some days are better than others.There have been times when I have wanted to walk away and not put in the work to make things better. But we persevere.  As for parenting, well that's about to get a whole lot more interesting isn't it? Right now, I am the day to day disciplinarian and Daddy is the fun "other kid" most of the time. However, when Emma is really misbehaving Daddy puts the smack down on her and she knows she's in trouble. The terrible twos started for us when Emma turned 1 and are still going strong today! Oh my.

One thing has stuck in my mind a lot lately that has caused me to be sad and mad at the same time. Divorce. It's a word that I think I throw around a little to loosely sometimes and for that I am deeply sorry. Tom and Katie are divorcing- no shock there really. What Hollywood marriage doesn't end in divorce at some point? But there are a few couples in my real world who are going through either divorce or separation and it just makes me mad and sad. Sad because if they couldn't make it, what chance do the rest of us have? Mad because from the outside looking in it seems like they have been through so much how could they just give up? Now I don't know any of the inner workings of any of these marriages and have no right to feel anything about it at all but I do and it has lead to a lot of soul searching and prayers on my part. Prayers for them and prayers for my own marriage. That we always be there for each other, have patience with each other and forgive when hurtful words hit their mark. Every night I say this prayer because until now I have taken for granted how easy it is to hurt the one you love the most and I don't want that.

So for all of us who every day wake up beside the same person, perhaps with a little person wedged in between, I say this- be thankful, be appreciative and be grateful.