When I was pregnant with Emma, I knew without a doubt that I wanted to breastfeed. I got lots of comments from family about it and why would I do that and it's gross etc etc. I didn't care. From the moment she was born I nursed her. To say it was easy would be a lie. I had to work at it ALOT. I wanted to quit many times. But we made it 7 months before she decided she was far too busy to nurse and weaned herself. During those 7 months it was magical. Not only is breastfeeding so convenient (hello instant food) but the bond is unbelievable. If you are a guy or a woman who hasn't done it, you won't get it. There is just something about being able to provide the perfect food for your child and seeing their beautiful eyes as they nurse that is amazing.
When I found out I was pregnant this time I thought before we knew it was twins that I would breastfeed no question. Then when we found out it was twins I thought "okay how will I do this." It never crossed my mind not to do it. I watched Youtube videos of moms tandem nursing their babies. I bought a twin breastfeeding pillow. I mentally prepared to be flexible about it. I thought maybe I'd nurse one and give one a bottle and then switch for the next feeding. I hoped I'd tandem nurse.
And then reality happened. The boys were born and whisked to the NICU never even getting to try to nurse. They were a full 8 days old before I was allowed to even attempt to nurse them because of their feeding issues. They were so small that their little mouths wouldn't let them nurse well. They tired easily. So I pumped like a mad woman and brought breastmilk to the hospital every day for them. I pumped every 3 hours around the clock, even at night. I was dedicated to getting those babies the milk that they needed.
A few weeks after they came home from the hospital I went to see a lactation consultant. She helped me some. Ben was okay at nursing and Aaron was just meh. I would still have to pump after feeding them to keep my supply up AND I'd still have to supplement with a bottle. I thought about it but fate took a turn and the boys got RSV and that was that. I would try to nurse them when I could but mostly they were getting expressed milk. I was pumping 7 times a day having given myself the luxury of skipping the middle of the night session. Then I went back to work and quickly it became unrealistic for me to pump every three hours. So I cut back again and then again. Early on I set small goals for myself- make it to two weeks, four weeks, six weeks, eight weeks, twelve weeks and once I made it 3 months I figured I could make it to six months.
On Monday the boys will be five months old. I am down to pumping once a day. A couple of weeks ago I nursed each one of them in the middle of the night as a sort of way to say goodbye to breastfeeding. Even as I write this I am tearing up about it. I'm so disappointed that I couldn't nurse them the way I had hoped. I'm sad that this phase is coming to an end. I'm sad that I didn't get to experience the magic that I did with Emma. But I'm relieved to not have to worry about supply, what I eat and drink and to give up my archenemy the breast pump. I am also proud that I made it as long as I did. With twins, I could have easily said nope not gonna do it but I didn't. I stuck it out and gave my boys the gift of the perfect food for 5 months. And that's okay.
