Two milestones in the same week

snuggle time in Mommy's bed

On Friday, Aaron and Ben will be 4 months old! On Saturday, Emma turns 3! I can't believe it. My babies are all getting so big. Emma's vocabulary is huge. She is full of life and energy and just makes us laugh and laugh with her antics. She is such a good big sister. She jumps right in and reads stories to her brothers, gives them bottles or pacifiers when they cry, and this morning she got out some rattles and was dancing around in front of them to get them to calm down.  She also opens the fridge and gets her own snacks now which is good and a sad testament to our parenting at the moment! But there are still glimmers of our little baby in there like when she forgot to put her little potty seat on the toilet and fell in! Each day I grow more infatuated with that little monkey.

Aaron and Ben are smiling up a storm now and are very ticklish. We have had some chuckles out of them but no full blown laughs yet but soon! Ben has rolled over from tummy to back several times. Aaron is working on it but isn't quite there yet. Their arms and legs are constantly going. Once they put it all together we will not be able to keep up with them. They are sleeping MUCH BETTER. We have a nice little routine where they get a bath at 6 pm, bottle by 6:15-6:30 and are in their rock n plays in their room by 7 pm. Yes we put them down awake and sometimes Ben will cry but it usually stops after a couple of minutes. They do still wake up twice at night but I take one feeding and Mike takes the other which makes it managable sort of. They are just the sweetest little people and I can't wait to see what else they do! We may even try some rice cereal soon!

Little teacher
 

Floor time for Aaron
 

Aaron sleeps like a champ
 

Sleeping Aaron
 

They really are identical. Sleeping Ben.

Pirate Ben




 

Life is funny

Sometimes I look at my sweet baby boys and can't believe that I successfully gave birth and am raising two identical twin boys. It's truly a miracle. The pregnancy was so rough and the postpartum has been even worse. I think this is God's way of telling me no more babies for me. Though I do confess that I'd like another little girl. Perhaps we'll adopt some day. The boys are starting to smile and coo and kind of giggle which is completely precious. Emma is hilariously funny and so full of life. She is busy ALL THE TIME and never shuts up. It is exhausting.

This weekend Mike and I are going away over night for the first time since Emma was born without kids. I'm crazy excited about it but also anxious because leaving everyone at home is hard. Now they'll be in perfectly capable hands but still very difficult. We'll see what happens.

Another thing that I want to write about is how funny life is. When I was single and my friend had the first baby I just didn't get how her life had changed. Then, I got married and became a "we" instead of a "me" and my life changed and so did my friendships once again. Then I had Emma and went from "we" to family and some friends dropped off, others got closer and new ones formed. Now, with three kids things are completely different. Those friends with one kid can't understand how challenging it is to do anything with two infants and an almost three year old. No more impromptu play dates, no more quick get togethers for wine. It's made me kind of sad because I loved that and spent all summer doing it. Now I feel like I have to choose between play dates for Emma or watching the boys. It sucks. I can't wait until the boys are old enough to play too but until then I am feeling kind of alone and isolated from my friends.

Postpartum Depression

So the boys are 3.5 months old and we have settled into a nice little rhythm. Unfortunately, I am still suffering from postpartum depression. I'm taking medicine and seeing a therapist and still can't get over the hump. On the outside I feel okay. When I am caught up in getting the kids ready for the day or ready for bed or working on a project at work I almost feel normal. It's in the quiet moments when I have a second to just be that I feel overwhelmed, sad, tired and angry all at the same time. I hate it. I want to be able to flip a switch in my brain and feel better. At work everyone thinks I'm doing so well and look so refreshed every day but it is all an act I think. I don't feel that way at all. I feel like I am emotionally hanging on by the thinnest of threads and the slightest wind could bring my entire world crashing down. I know this won't last forever and in that I find hope. Still every time I yell at Emma or lose my patience I die a little bit knowing that isn't me and yet I can't seem to help it. I am sharing this only because I feel like I need an outlet to be able to say how I feel. Writing is cathartic for me. It helps me organize my thoughts and feelings. I'm a dork like that. So thanks for letting me share this dark stage of life with you. If you have a moment to say a prayer that I get well, I'd sure appreciate it.