The Arrival of Aaron and Ben

I  haven't written  blog in a long time mainly because I just didn't have anything to say. My anxiety over the end of my pregnancy and the arrival of the boys was too high and I was just trying to keep it together mentally. This entry might be a bit scattered too because I have so much to say! First the story of how the twins arrived.

My OB, Dr. Murray, had scheduled me to be induced on Nov. 6. The boys looked good and we were going to call it on Nov. 2 whether I was going to have a c-section or try for a vaginal birth. For a few weeks I had been feeling a lot of pressure as Aaron made his way into my cervix. At around 3:20 am on Halloween I started having contractions and tried all the tricks- drinking water, changing position and going potty. Nothing worked and the contractions went from 10 mins apart to 5 mins apart. So at 4:30 I gave in and woke Mike up and called the on call dr. She told me to come to the hospital. Mike and I showered and got ready, called our neighbor to come be with Emma and off we went to the hospital. We get to Labor and Delivery and the on call doctor checks me and I was 4 cm dilated and 70% effaced. The week before I was nothing. So I get a nice fancy delivery room to hang out in while they pump fluid in me and hope to stop my contractions. At this point let me say that I did not understand how critically important it was for the boys to stay put. I was 35 weeks 3 days pregnant. After about 5 or 6 hours, the contractions stop and unfortunately my blood pressure is now high and I am showing signs of preeclampsia. Combine that with being 4 cm and I found myself admitted to the hospital. The thought was that I'd be there until my scheduled induction.

I was not happy about this. I was not prepared to be in the hospital so long and hadn't even prepared Emma for this. The neonatologist came in to talk to Mike and I about what we could expect when the twins finally made their arrival.  We were in shock to realize that our boys were most likely going to endure a NICU stay. At no point did we expect this because every week my perinatal doctor told me the boys looked great. I took that to mean they were developing well and would be ok. What it really must have meant was that they looked great for their age. Not sure if we didn't ask the right questions or if we were just too naive. In any case, this was a surprise and something we both struggled with the rest of the night.

Mike left around 5 to take Emma trick or treating with her friends so we could keep her life from being disrupted too much. I watched bad tv and finally tried to go to sleep at around 10.  really thought I'd pass right out since I had been up so long but no such luck. So at around  11:30 I asked the nurse for Ambien. Finally I passed out around 12:30. Around 3:30 I started having cramps that woke me up. As I shifted in bed to try to find a comfortable position to ease my discomfort, I felt a gush of fluid. At first I thought I must have peed on myself since Aaron had been pushing on my bladder for a while. I quickly realized that my water had broken! I called the nurse and she tested the fluid and it was indeed my water breaking. From there things happened very quickly. There are things I don' t remember and things I probably remember out of sequence. Remember I was like 4 hours into having taken Ambien so I was out of it. Contractions started almost immediately after my water broke and they came fast and hard. I didn't really feel strong contractions with Emma because I was induced and had my epidural early. Let me just say that holy cow contractions are the worst pain I have ever felt.

I called Mike at 3:45 and told him what was going on. He asked how much time he had and I told him to take his time. Thank God he didn't go back to sleep because he so didn't have any time to spare. The nurses got me onto a stretcher and off I went to Labor and Delivery. The on call doctor came in and checked me and I was still at 4 cm but 50% effaced. They had to take some blood because my platelet counts were low and that makes a big difference on whether or not you can get an epidural. So at this point I'm laboring and it hurts and Mike is not there and I'm scared. My nurse is trying to help me through the contractions by telling me to control the pain, breathe through them etc. I just wanted to hit her to be honest. I never intended to labor naturally and was completely unprepared for dealing with this. In hindsight, the nurse was awesome and exactly what I needed.

Around 5 AM, Mike gets there and is immediately at my side, holding my hands and trying to comfort me as best he can. Shortly there after, the anastesialogist (no idea how to spell that) comes in and explains that my platelet count is low which increases the risks of putting in the epidural. I could be paralized or bleed out and not stop bleeding etc etc. But he said that he'd still tell his wife to get it. Enough said. So I sit on the side of the bed and in between the excruciating contractions he puts in the epidural. Immediately I get some relief. I am laying on my right side letting that side go numb for a few minutes and then as I start to go numb they put in a catheter and tell me to lay on my left side so that side gets evenly numb. At this point it is around 6:15ish, I roll over and as I do I feel a weird pain down there. I tell the nurse and she checks me. She calmly tells me to hit my call bell to call the nurses. When someone answers, she says she needs help stat. She then tells  me there is a head peaking out. Once again, things happen crazy fast. Apparently when you have twins you don't labor and deliver in the room you are in but in the OR just in case baby B goes into distress. So they don't even put me on a stretcher but just push my bed into the OR and move the existing bed in the OR to the side. Mike comes in dressed in a jump suit and hair cover. The dr does a quick ultrasound to make sure both boys are head down and turns around to get ready to deliver. I apparently have a huge contraction and feel something coming out of me. I tell the doctor that I swear I'm not pushing but the baby is coming out. Sure enough, the doctor looks and gasps and out comes Aaron with absolutely no pushing!

The NICU team quickly takes Aaron away and start doing what they do. Mike runs and gets the camera as we wait for baby B.  Ben is still pretty high up and so a nurse is pushing on my stomach pushing him lower as I am told to push. The doctor might have also used forcepts to pull him down but I'm not sure. Three pushes later and out pops Ben. The NICU team takes him away too and Mike snaps pictures.

So three hours start to finish and three pushes later and both boys arrived on Nov. 1 at 6:30 am and 6:45 am. Both boys were breathing on their own and their apgar scores were both 9.9. Aaron weighed 5.4 lbs and was 17.5 inches long and Ben was 5.2 lbs and 17.5 inches long.

The days that followed the birth of the boys has been a roller coaster. The boys started off in the NICU and when I called down around 2 PM to see if they were there or in the PCN I was told that they were going to the regular nursery at 7 pm. Then a nurse told me I was moving to the post partum unit because the babies were moving to the nursery.When we went to see them, they were in the PCN! And they weren't eating well. The next day both boys had feeding tubes in their noses. Then, Ben got an IV to dilute his blood and yesterday he got put under the phototherapy lights.  But his little light bulb for feeding has gone off and now it is just getting him to suck more efficiently. Aaron is doing well but his little light bulb still hasn't quite gone off for feeding yet. I'm hopeful that it will soon.

They are absolutely adorable and I spend every morning with them. My favorite thing to do is called kangaroo care where I strip down to my bra and strip the boys down to their diapers and we snuggle skin to skin with blankets and a hospital gown over us. The boys love it and they really love it when they get to do it together.

So there you have the whole story. More to come as this story continues. We do appreciate all of our friends, family and others who have sent messages and prayers our way. Keep them coming. In the mean time, here are a few pictures of the boys.

Benjamin Michael Toscano

Aaron James Toscano

Where has the time gone?

It's been months since I last wrote a blog entry. I have a good excuse. No really I do. For the month of August, Emma and I both got sick with colds which turned into pneumonia. We were very concerned that Emma was going to end up in the hospital but a last minute dose of steriods pulled her out of the woods thank goodness. Unfortunately, mommy wasn't so lucky. While we were busy taking care of Emma, Mommy's cold morphed into a rather nasty case of pneumonia that landed me in the hospital for 6 days. I seriously didn't know I was that sick. I thought oh sure they'd give me some good antibiotics and I'd be home the next day. Trouble was I kept getting worse and worse. Finally on like day 4, the lung doctor ordered extra strength steriods for me and that seemed to be just what I needed! I seriously thought I was going to die for a few days there. When your doctor is talking about intubating you things get a little serious.

So that was August. I didn't get out of the hospital until Labor day. Through all this the boys were totally fine. Then September I was seriously trying to recover from being sick and trying to get in some last minute fun with Emma. We went to the state fair over the weekend and Emma had so much fun. She loved feeding the animals at the petting zoo. She loved riding rides and going down the giant slide. She loved eating french fries for lunch. All in all it was a good time.

We've spent the last month getting the bedrooms switched around and as of yesterday we have 1 and 3/4 of the cribs together! Big day for us. Those babies may have somewhere to sleep yet. We have also decided on names which we aren't really sharing with the world yet as we could very well change our minds.

As for everything else, well it's all a blur. I don't think I have been this stressed out in my entire life. Between work, home, marriage, 2.5 year old and babies I may seriously end up in the mental ward. This is why I decided to start my maternity leave a little early. I just can't handle everything and don't have the energy to be patient and nice to stupid people. So today I'm talking to my doctor about leaving in 3 weeks. I'm sure she will have no problem with this!

Where has the summer gone?

Oh how I hate to see the school supplies come out in July! I still get this knot in my stomach that school is coming even though I've been out of school for a long time. This summer seems to be flying by way too quickly though I won't be sad to see the hot weather go away. We have spent the entire summer just having fun. Emma has been taking swimming lessons and after 3 lessons they finally took so we signed her up for 4 more weeks. She is now so brave that she jumps right off the side of the pool whether you are ready to catch her or not. She doesn't mind if she goes under and bobs back up either. I'm not sure that I like this new fearlessness as it was far more convenient when she was afraid and I knew she wouldn't try to jump in before Mommy has her shoes off. Still though it is very exciting to see her taking this very big step in big girl land.

Besides spending a lot of time at the pool, we went to Busch Gardens with Emma's friend Addy and her mom. The girls had an absolute blast playing together. Check out this video!

Emma's two best friends are Addy and Morgan and those three girls have a good time wherever they go. It's a hoot to watch them. And they tire each other out which is a win for us mommies! We recently discovered that Emma isn't afraid of bounce houses anymore. Well off we went to Pump It Up on Sunday with Addison and those two had the place all to themselves for about an hour. Over and over again on all the bouncy things. I just love that these three have each other.

We went to the beach in July and of course that was a blast for Miss Emma. She didn't like the waves at first and the sand bothered her but by the end of the week she was laying on a boogie board in the ocean and building sand castles. She has a little boogie board that she takes in the bath with her sometimes actually.

My absolute favorite thing that Emma is doing now is singing constantly. There is nothing sweeter than the voice of a two year old singing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, Mary Had A Little Lamb, Itsy Bitsy Spider or a dozen other songs that the kid knows. She also randomly recited the Pledge of Allegiance the other day which was so ridiculously cute.

We have also spent the entire summer prepping Emma for the impending arrival of baby brothers. We talk about them alot and she is allowed to lift up my shirt (not in public mind you though she has tried a few times) and say hi to them and kiss my belly. We include them in night night prayers. We ask her what their names should be and explain that all the baby stuff coming down from the attic is for her baby brothers. She seems reasonably okay with all of this. Now when push comes to shove, I have no idea how it will go. Right now she is glued to me at all times. She asks me to move my tummy so she can sit in my lap. (if only I could, if only I could) But I am sure that my good little helper will be okay, perhaps with some key bribery involved.

Now as for baby brothers. They have tentative names which we aren't revealing in case we change our minds which is possible. They are moving and grooving right along. They kick me alot and give me heart burn and indigestion and headaches but I have grown rather fond of them in spite of this.  Right now my main goal is to get a room done for them so they have somewhere to sleep!

As for Papa Bear, he's hanging in there.  There are times when I want to strangle him. Times when I've actually figured out where to bury his body and then there are times when I just am so thankful. In all seriousness, this pregnancy has not been easy. I was sick for a long time, still tired, now huge and can't do much and Mike has really stepped up and done everything he could to keep us afloat. Is our house a mess? Always (except when Jackie comes to clean!). Is the laundry folded and put away? not a chance. But is there food on the table, dishes done, dogs and cats fed, litter box cleaned, Emma's toys put away periodically, Emma played with, Momma happy and resting- YOU BETCHA! For that I am so thankful and so glad. Thank you honey. I love you.

So that's it for our summer. Here are a few pics to enjoy!

Marriage and Children

Our little family about to be a big family. 

Lately I have been feeling a little sad and a little mad. Marriage and children are not for the faint of heart. Those of you who are married with kids know this. Many times two married people may not agree on any number of things. Our big issues generally are cleaning and how we communicate with each other. At least from my point of view! Now add in caring for a little person 24-7 and it's a recipe for stress, fights and a lot of fun all at the same time. I have to say that the last few months have been a little bit of all three for our family but things seem to be on the up swing as Mike and I are trying really hard to work on our communication skills. Some days are better than others.There have been times when I have wanted to walk away and not put in the work to make things better. But we persevere.  As for parenting, well that's about to get a whole lot more interesting isn't it? Right now, I am the day to day disciplinarian and Daddy is the fun "other kid" most of the time. However, when Emma is really misbehaving Daddy puts the smack down on her and she knows she's in trouble. The terrible twos started for us when Emma turned 1 and are still going strong today! Oh my.

One thing has stuck in my mind a lot lately that has caused me to be sad and mad at the same time. Divorce. It's a word that I think I throw around a little to loosely sometimes and for that I am deeply sorry. Tom and Katie are divorcing- no shock there really. What Hollywood marriage doesn't end in divorce at some point? But there are a few couples in my real world who are going through either divorce or separation and it just makes me mad and sad. Sad because if they couldn't make it, what chance do the rest of us have? Mad because from the outside looking in it seems like they have been through so much how could they just give up? Now I don't know any of the inner workings of any of these marriages and have no right to feel anything about it at all but I do and it has lead to a lot of soul searching and prayers on my part. Prayers for them and prayers for my own marriage. That we always be there for each other, have patience with each other and forgive when hurtful words hit their mark. Every night I say this prayer because until now I have taken for granted how easy it is to hurt the one you love the most and I don't want that.

So for all of us who every day wake up beside the same person, perhaps with a little person wedged in between, I say this- be thankful, be appreciative and be grateful.

Boys and sweet Emma

Last week we found out that we are having identical twin boys. I was not surprised at all as I had thought this all along. Truthfully, I would be in shock if the doctor had said girls. We are busy working on coming up with names for the twins and I am trying to figure out how to cope with pee pees! Emma has started to adjust to the fact that she is having baby brothers. I ask her where her brothers are and she either points to her tummy or mine. It's very cute. I have started reading toddler books to her about being a big sister and she likes them.

I must say that there is a part of me that is really struggling to accept the fact that in a few months we won't be a family of three anymore. I know it's silly because we wanted another child but the reality is something I am struggling with. Every time I hold Emma or snuggle her I think about how with two babies I won't get to snuggle her as much and it makes me sad. Yes a lot of it is hormones probably. Still it is something I am struggling with.

For now I am enjoying every second of our last summer as a family of three.

Finding Words

Every day I come to blogger to write about Emma's latest antics and every day I leave without having written a single word. It isn't that I don't have a lot to say. I do. It's that my head has just been consumed with so many thoughts of the babies, the logistics behind having two babies at one time and getting Emma prepared to be a big sister. I literally couldn't type anything. But I am finally here and have broken the ice with a few sentences so here we go!

The Babies

About a week and a half ago we had our first visit with the perinatal doctor, Dr. Fisher. We went for our NT scan to check for probability of down syndrome, trisomy 18 and 13. Honestly, at that point I didn't care about any of those things, I was more concerned with having twins that shared a placenta and a sac which meant a huge risk to me and to the babies. Fortunately, within a few minutes Dr. Fisher found a second sac! Our babies are identical but can't strangle each other with their umbilical cords or get nasty knots in them. They can however, one can starve the other and take its blood so I will be seeing Dr. Fisher every 2 weeks for the rest of my pregnancy starting on June 19. And he said I will deliver by 37 weeks so sometime that second week of November at the latest. We haven't really done anything in terms of getting ready for the babies yet. We need to move a lot of furniture and pack up two rooms in our house to make room for them. It's going to be an undertaking. Otherwise all is well on the baby front.

Emma

Ahhh my sweet little monkey has become Mommy's girl lately. She is always sitting in my lap or telling people that I am her mommy. It is so sweet and I am trying to enjoy every single second that I have left with just me and Emma. We have told her that she is going to be a big sister and that she will have baby brothers or sisters. Generally the response we get when we ask her if she wants a baby brother or sister is a resounding NO! So we have our work cut out for us.  I really love this stage of childhood and always have. Babies are okay but they can't really interact with you. Emma can carry on a conversation, tell you what she needs, entertain you and is fairly independent. She comes up with the craziest things. The other night I looked over while she was eating and she had put an empty bowl on her head! Back around Easter time, Target had cute little straw Easter hats in the $1 bin so we bought Emma one. It's pink and has a ribbon tied around it. For a while she would wear it around the house when playing with her babies. Now, it has become her rain hat. I kid you not. Every single time we leave the house and it is raining or the ground is wet, Emma demands "ma hat." And she wears this pink straw hat to protect her head from getting wet. No other hat will do. I need to get a picture of it because it is the funniest thing.

Monkey has also started asking her Daddy to play "toys" with her. Now I have no idea what toys she is referring to. She has many. But they end up playing Weebles or trains most of the time. She has also set up her on little gym in our living room. She asks to have her Pottery Barn chair flipped over so that it is a triangle and we push it up against the ottoman and surround all of it with pillows. She then climbs on the ottoman and uses the chair as a slide or as a place to flip over. Clearly the girl is destined to be a gymnast. And don't worry we are always right there with her so she doesn't crack her head open!

Finally with some of Mommy's energy coming back, we have been trying to just spend lots of time doing fun things. We went to Busch Garden's the other week and Emma had a BLAST! Mommy, not so much, but in 90 plus heat and being sick and pregnant who expected me to really? This weekend we went to the pool two days in a row. Emma had the baby pool all to herself on Saturday and she loved it. She and I played catch with the pool toys and splashed around. She did manage to fall in as she was running (for which I had told her to walk about a million times) but I was right there to scoop her out of the water. Scared her pretty good though. On Sunday we went with her friends Addy and Morgan and those three girls had the best time swimming, splashing and eating everything in sight. This weekend is her daddy's birthday so who knows what fun we have in store!

So there you have it. An update on the Toscanos and on parenting worries. Guess I had it in me afterall.

Twins Oh My!

So yesterday we finally let the cat out of the bag about our expecting twins. We found out on April 20 when we went for my 8 week appointment. We had known there was a chance of us having twins because of the fertility treatments that I was using (HCG injections and Femara) and I knew there were two eggs that were mature when I had my injection the last time. But, never in a million years did either of us think that we'd be in the 10% chance for twins. Never. So when the ultrasound tech broke the news that there were indeed two little beings in there we were not prepared. Mike started sweating profusely and I feared he'd have a panic attack right there in that hot, dark room. I was numb and unsure how to respond. I think I can equate the feeling to finding out you are pregnant at the wrong time in your life like when you are 16 years old, dating the wrong guy for you or something like that. It took weeks and weeks for us to work through this blessing individually and then another few weeks to come back together as a couple. I can only speak for myself here but my primary worries were 1. how can we afford two more babies? We had only budgeted for one. Yes we budgeted for our child! 2. How will I ever be able to give Emma the attention that she needs and deserves. 3. How can we handle two infants at once?  Like I said, though we had prayed for one more baby, we were totally unprepared for two more babies. Still are actually. We began to come to terms with it by looking at our budget, finding car seats that fit into my existing SUV, researching and educating ourselves and just breathing. We just trust God has given us the blessings that he knew we can handle. At some point we always planned to have three children, just not two at once!

As I approach the very end of my first trimester and start the very welcome second trimester (Lord please give me some of my energy back and less nausea!) things are a bit more complicated. Our babies as of right this second are identical and sharing a sac and a placenta. This is very high risk. Now I say right this second because I still believe that they are fraternal but my regular OBGYN says she feels like she can't see a second membrane or a second placenta. I go for a NT Scan next week and perhaps the more advanced ultrasound will find more favorable results. Perhaps not. Then we roll with it and hope and pray for the best. As for my dear husband (and this could be hormones but probably not) he's been very good. I'm really bone numbingly tired at the end of each day and he makes dinner, cleans up and doesn't complain much about it. The few times when I just couldn't even muster the energy to give Emma her bath he has stepped in and done it. Poor guy made me a delicious Mother's Day dinner last night. The steak which I would ordinarily love looked gross whole so I asked him to cut it up for me and he did! Still didn't fix the gross factor for me so I am officially giving up on eating meat for a while. I'll have to go to the good old Boca line of products I guess.

So for all of you who read this little blog, hope you enjoy our ride until December!

Just like that

My last post was about the beginning of potty training for Emma. Here we are 18 days later and my sweet baby girl is all grownup. Sure she still wears a diaper at nap and bedtime but most of the time it stays dry. Like most every milestone of becoming a little girl, it was sort of anticlimactic. No m&ms, no bribes. Just ta da. Every milestone has been this way. When Emma was ready to stop using a paci after discovering her thumb at three months, there were no more pacifiers. Samething happened when we allowed her to decide when to give up bottles at 15 months and when she decided to sleep in a toddler bed. Rarely is there drama or tears. Just Emma making the decisions and moving on to the next phase of childhood. I will say that it does make me very sad to see this last bit of baby Emma slip away so easily. Buti do have hopes that giving up her thumb might not be so easy!

On Potty Training

Let me be the first to say that potty training is not for the squeamish or faint of heart. We started officially potty training yesterday. Big Fat Failure! On any other day my little monkey loves to go pee on the potty but put her in panties and the kid seals her legs shut! Throughout the day I wondered how many accidents Emma might have had until I got a phone call from daycare. Turns out Miss Toscano decided if she couldn't potty on her own terms, she would not potty at all. She held her pee ALL DAY! I got to school and we tried again with me, first in the kid's potty and then in the teacher's potty. All she did was scream. I might also mention that she still wears a diaper at naptime and in her stubbornness still held her pee, despite the diaper!

So off we went to our house. I immediately put her on the potty again. I was convinced she'd go on her own potty at home. Nope. When I say she threw the most heart wrenching tantrum I have ever seen, I am not exaggerating. Any momma would have been distraught! She cried her little heart out. So we got off the potty and I let her be. She cried for a good 15 minutes sitting on the kitchen floor until she peed on herself. Now this set off a whole new tantrum because she was upset that she had an accident. I was trying to soothe and strip her naked at the same time. Poor kid was so traumatized that I put her in a diaper and we snuggled and watched Toy Story.

Cut to today. I really, really, really wanted to put a diaper on her. I did. But we proceeded forward with panties on. Got downstairs and not five minutes later she grabs her crotch and says she peed. She did indeed. So fearing a fight or tantrum, I said okay let's go sit on the potty like Addison and Morgan do so Mommy can change your clothes. This works! She sits pitifully on the potty while I run and get her new clothes. Then as we are leaving for school/work, I go to put her coat on her only to find that she has pooped in her pants and said nothing! So gross. Now I have no experience with how to clean up that much poop out of someone's panties. In the end, we threw them out. I can afford to buy new underwear rather than deal with that. So now we've had our pee and poop accident and the child is at school STILL IN UNDERWEAR! I have no idea if she will continue on this stubborn streak of I'll do it in my own time or not.

But for you mom's and dad's who haven't ventured into potty training yet, be warned. Personally, my kid may be the one in diapers starting kindergarten!

Happy Easter

Happy Easter everyone. We had a great day and I hope you did too!

What happens next?

Many of you who read my blog know about my friend Deanna and her daughter Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn passed away on Thursday from Neimann-Pick Type A. It was an awful, grueling battle to watch from a distance. I can't imagine what it was like to watch up close and to live every day. Though we all knew the end was near, it still shook me to my core. I still check Deanna's blog every day expecting an update. The reality that God now has Kaitlyn has not set in for me. This brings me to where my thoughts are today. Today Kaitlyn is being laid to rest. My thoughts frequently turn to what do the Bourgeault's do now? Deanna and Chip have literally been by Kaitlyn's side day and night for months. Chip said on Facebook the other day that the two have not been in the car together in he can't remember how long. Deanna literally never left the house and probably rarely the master bedroom toward the end. Their dedication to loving their child is awe inspiring. Now, with Kaitlyn at peace, I imagine it must feel strange and maybe a little overwhelming to find some new normal. What do you do with all of those hours you filled caring for sweet Kaitlyn? My guess is you spend it trying to keep Cole's life "normal."

What I do know is that it really does put in perspective life and love and giving and healthy children? You know? So as the weeks and months go by, let's all say a prayer of thanks for what we have and one for the Bourgeault's as they adjust to life without their sweet girl.

Happy Birthday Sweet Emma

Dear Emma,

You celebrated your second birthday on Friday. I can't believe that you are two. It seems like you were just learning to roll over. You have learned so many things over the last year. You have mastered walking and have mastered running too. You really like to practice running away to the swings! You have started singing songs to us which is completely adorable. Twinkle, Twinkle Mommy Star is your favorite. Though you have been known to bust out in a rousing rendition of Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes too! And let's not forget the Itsy, Bitsy Spider! You are also learning your ABCs. You can recognize letters as letters and then start singing ABCDEFG mumble mumble mumble Q R S T U V and then you move on. 5 and 7 are your favorite numbers and your favorite color must be yellow since you think all things are yellow. You are very well mannered and always say please and thank you and sometimes even you're welcome if we don't say it fast enough! You are also a great helper and love to help with the laundry and unloading the dishwasher.

The thing that I love most about you is your spirit. You are a girl who  knows what she wants and I love that. As we look toward this third year of your life I am excited to see what crazy antics you come up with. I'm excited to watch you learn to use the potty (I'm not excited about the mess.) I'm excited for you to sleep in a big girl bed and I'm excited to hear the stories you come up with. Mostly I'm just excited to have you as my daughter. I love you baby girl.

Friendships and Singing

As I watch Emma playing with her little friends, especially Morgan, I hope that she has the gift of life long friendships. This has been weighing heavily on my mind lately. Most of my friends I have had for years and years. As an adult it is really hard to make new friends. All of my new friends are actually moms of kids in Emma's classes. We have a lot in common in that we are raising toddlers to be good people. We can commesurate on not being able to go out in public, bedtime routines gone astray and how to get our toddlers to eat more than 5 things. I love it. I'm very grateful for my new found friends.

This past year and old friend and I parted ways. Honestly it was something that had needed to happen for a long time. Yet, I am still grieving the loss. Really I'm grieving the loss of who she was and who I was and the friendship we had long ago. Over the years we have both changed and grown in different directions. In hind sight, maybe she and I were never that great of friends anyway. Friends give and take and I'm not sure that happened with us in a balanced way. Still I grieve. And the hardest part is that we have mutual friends so we still see each other and I get a little sad. It's hard to explain.

So as one friendship has ended, others have grown. My next door neighbor (Morgan's mom) and I have really gotten to know one another over the last few months. Trying to keep toddler's entertained will do that I guess. Our husband's are similar and share similar interests which is nice and our kids fight like sisters. The funny part is that we let them because they are both only children and it's good for them to be challenged and to have to share. Having kids makes making friends a lot easier!

And now for the update on the toddler. She turns 2 on Friday. I cannot even believe it. She transitioned to early preschool a few weeks ago and has picked up some new tricks. In the middle of playing with her toys she will burst into song. It is absolutely the most adorable thing ever. Twinkle, Twinkle Mommy Star (from her new CD) and Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes are her favorites.  And she is in the "I do it" stage. Except she says "Emma do" or "Me do" or "Ma do" most of the time. It's cute. She has also learned to put on her own coat! We lay it upside on the floor and she puts her arms in and flips it over her head. Ta Da. It's wonderful. She is growing up so fast and learns so many new things every day. Last night in the bath tub she was saying "Oh gosh" which reminds me to curb my language. Mental note on that one. And I really think she is going to love gymnastics. That kid loves for her daddy to throw her in the air, flip her over, help her jump on the couch...all that crazy stuff. Too bad I haven't found a gymnastics class for 2 year olds. She does do Romp N Roll at school and she loves it.

So that's the update for today. Enjoy.

Snow Play

During Emma's first year of life we had a few snows but she was always sick or not walking or something so she never went outside into the snow. Today, she sledded for the first time. It wasn't much snow but it sure was fun!

Look at this face! You wouldn't know she is a bully.

Good thing I'm cute.

Ahh my sweet Emma. I always knew that she'd be a leader since her mom and dad are. What I didn't know is that she would also be a bully!

Sweet pea is going through a tough phase right now I guess. She has gotten past the hitting herself or others which is great. Now she is on to bullying her friends. Her BFF Morgan was over on Sunday and rather than being excited to play with her friend, she hid her toys. The girls stand on stools to play with the alphabet letters on the garage door and suddenly Morgan is crying. I look and Emma has taken her stool and put her own stool away. Nice. Now in all honesty this is probably because 1. she didn't take a nap and 2. it's her house and  her toys. I'm hoping that if the situation were reversed that Morgan would do the same but I may be kidding myself.

She's also struggling with some separation anxiety at school. Worse than we've ever encountered  before. Every morning Mike drops her off and she clings to him pitifully. Toys, other kids and the teachers can't calm her down. A teacher actually had to walk her down the hall so that Mike could leave the other day. And this is the week that she is supposed to transition into the early preschool room though I don't think she has just yet.

Amid all of this, Emma busted out her cutest move ever. Just as we were up to HERE with her on Sunday, she said "scano." Mike and I looked at her and asked her to repeat it. She did. Nana and Pop-pop were on the phone so they heard it to. I said is your name Emma Toscano and she shook her head and said Emma Scano. SOOOOOO Cute. Of course she knows this because we are constantly calling her by her full name when she is in trouble! LOL.

Ahh kids they sure are funny and a good thing they are cute too!

Perspective

I look at my blog every day as I am reading others and have been feeling guilty for not posting recently.It isn't that I have nothing amusing to say about Emma. I do. She's a holy terror these days. Smacking teachers. Smacking herself. Banging her head on the floor when she's mad. Throwing a major fit at Cici's pizza last week, a place we thought we'd be safe to have a meal out. It's a challenging time to be a parent.

Still, my heart has been full for another little girl lately. I've written about Kaitlyn and her mom Deanna before. On Jan. 13 her family got the news that her lungs had begun to fill with fluid and then a day or two later word came that her liver was failing. It's only a matter of time before her sweet life on Earth comes to an end. Every day and every night I say a prayer for her and for her family. Every day I pray for a miracle. When I look at photos of Kaitlyn, I see Emma.

In coping with the grief that I have been feeling for a child I have actually never met but love dearly, I have googled things like "what happens at the end of life" and "near death experiences." I wanted to find some sort of comfort that God is out there I guess. I feel powerless to help Kaitlyn and her family. I have cried hysterically on my bathroom floor so that no one could hear me. I have asked every one of my friends on Facebook  to pray.

Many things have come out of Kaitlyn's journey. For me probably the biggest thing is perspective. Emma's antics are just the antics of a typical two year old. I am blessed to be able to complain about her tantrums, privileged to be able to brag about her accomplishments and lucky to be able to enjoy her hugs and kisses.

I am not a Whole Foods mother

 Before I had a child, I had a picture of the type of mother I'd be. Probably we all do I guess but if you are like me, reality is not at all what you pictured. I pictured myself as the type of mother who was overprotective, jumped every time my child fell, cooked lots of different veggies and only served organic food to my sweet child. I would never wipe food off and give it to my child after she threw it on the floor nor would I allow my child to watch too much TV. In reality, Emma lives on about 5 different foods and has eaten her fair share of floor food.

As I was leaving Whole Foods yesterday I realized I am so not a Whole Foods mother. Daddy went go kart racing so Emma and I went to the Children's Museum in Short Pump where we frolicked and played for an hour before heading over to Whole Foods for milk. Daddy likes the taste of Whole Foods milk the best so off we went. Now I will stop right here and tell you I never venture to Short Pump let alone Whole Foods and especially not on a  Saturday. This earrned me a WTF was I thinking. The store was absolutely mobbed. Yuppies and trendsetters were taking up every aisle, just staring at the many organic and wholesome things. Mainly they were waiting in line for the free samples and drinking wine at the wine bar...oh and buying bread. Emma at this point was so over stimulated and ready to go  home that I should have known better than to even go in the store. We were going to buy some veggies but the price and the crowd and Emma's patience prevented this. So off we go to get some milk. I quickly put three gallons of whole milk in the cart and move on to the skim milk where an old couple is literally just staring at the massive selection of milk. Of course, they are right where I need to be. I quickly give Emma a sample of a potato chip to munch while I politely ask the old couple if I could get to the milk. Grab three gallons of skim milk (and some rather odd looks) and move on. I now have six gallons of milk in my cart. People around me are looking at me like I'm crazy or I am keeping a secret about an upcoming blizzard. We try to go down the aisle with the kid breakfast stuff. I grab  a $4 box of Abby Cadabby organic oatmeal and put it in the basket. Emma demands Elmo oatmeal instead but won't give up the box of Abby oatmeal. A fit ensues and we end up with the Abby oatmeal as people continue to look at me with scorn. I might add that I do notice that no one else in the store has a toddler crying her head off and throwing things  out of the cart.

We hit up a few more aisles for overpriced food that I hope Emma will eat but know that she won't. Pick up some meat which is totally worth the price and snag a few pieces of cheese for Emma to sample while Mommy gets her dinner and daddy's. I try to wait in line for pretzel bread for Daddy but Emma is having no parts of this so we go to check out. Emma throws her blanket on the ground and is trying to get out of the cart. I'm informing her that this is why people use birth control. More looks. The nice cashier asks if I want my meat separate from the rest of the food in the bags. I inform her that I don't care as long as she is fast so that Emma doesn't lose it completely. We pay for our stuff and are out of there.

As I'm driving home I realize that 1. I am not a Whole Foods person or mother. 2. There is a reason that toddlers don't go in public and 3. I am so not the mother I thought I was going to be.

I head home and prepare my dear child a deliciously overpriced organic child bean burrito and fruit. She skips the burrito and eats half the fruit before demanding non-organic cheese and half of my chocolate chip cookie. And I'm okay with that.