Who am I?

It has been too long since I last posted. I think about and write posts in my head every day. But, by the time I stumble into bed and have a moment to myself I can't form a thought.

Quick update on everyone before I share what is on my mind today.

Emma: Pre-k is going well and Emma seems happy to be back into a routine. Fingers crossed but I think she and I may have turned a corner! She is such a sweet, funny girl and such a good big sister. I love that we are reading longer chapter books together at night too.

Aaron: Aaron is the care taker of the twins. He loves to help and is still more laid back. He loves truck, cars and trains when Ben lets him play with them. He is also a little fish. And he is my snuggler!

Ben: Ben is the little brother. Funny and mischievous and a jokester. He loves to dance, play trucks, cars and trains. He also loves when the girls in the neighborhood pay attention to him.

Now that you are all caught up on the kids, here's what is on my mind lately. Identity. Or lack there of as it may be. When I was in the working world, I was defined by my job. I was a PR person at a nonprofit. Now, people ask what I do (and isn't that the first question people ask when you meet them?) and I feel embarrassed and lacking when I say that I am a stay at home mom. Now don't get me wrong, I like staying home with the kids. When I left my job last year, my boss asked me what else I was going to do besides take care of the kids. The question caught me completely off guard and I really wasn't sure how to answer him. I said volunteer at church only because I didn't want to sound pathetic.

In truth, I haven't quite defined myself as anything but the mom to Emma, Aaron and Ben and wife to Mike. I know I need to. My soul tells me so. I pray about it every single night. I also think about returning to work and what that will look like. I have the luxury of being able to decide when to go back and what I want to do. So far I've come up with I want to make a difference. The how hasn't become clear yet. As for right now, I am contemplating getting more involved in the neighborhood. I joined the moms of multiples group but have yet to go to a meeting. I write here on this blog and for Twiniversity. But I can go days and the only people I talk to are the checkout people at Target and Emma's preschool teacher. I NEED adult interaction. What does everyone else do? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

We Survived The Summer...Barely

Well we did it. It wasn't always pretty and in fact, sometimes it was down right ugly but we survived the summer. The three kids and I had a lot of fun. It seemed to go by so quickly, yet the days were long. We tried out the new splash pad at the Twin Hickory park. We went to CMOR many times. We swam in the backyard pool. We tried story time twice! We even went to the big pool once when my mom and sister were visiting. We made crafts and art and lots of tasty treats. Emma took swimming lessons. The boys played at the gym with other kids and I got to take a class or two.

We never did get to Maymont or to Lewis Ginter or to Stony Point. There just wasn't time. We had just as much fun in the backyard to be honest.

Now that I've covered what we did and did not do, let me let you in on the dirty secrets. Emma and I spent the better part of the summer in a sort of WWE Cage Match. Every single day was a showdown. Was Emma going to listen and behave? Was Mommy going to lose her mind and her cool? Many, many days I failed as a parent. I was bested by a 4 year old. I acted like a child. Throwing tantrums and yelling like a mad woman because Emma knows just what buttons to push to send me over the edge. And she pushes them just as her brothers are having a melt down. Every night I pray to God that he will give me strength and help me be a better mom to Emma. The other night God spoke to me in a way that I could finally here the message. He told me that my attitude and behavior is being picked up by my children and that unless I wanted my kids to remember their childhood mommy as a screamer and scary, then I need to change. Not the four year old or the almost two year olds, ME. I hear you Lord. I hear you loud and clear. I have already failed today but tomorrow is a new day. And I want to be the mom that my kids need me to be.

Venturing Out

When the boys were little there is no way that I was brave enough to take them and Emma out in public alone. Well, as a stay at home mom now, I really have no choice unless I want to run all my errands at night or go crazy. When you have twins you learn really fast which stores you can go in and which ones you cannot. For example, our Walmart has NO buggies with the little seats you can strap the twins into. But, Target, Kroger and even Foodlion does. Martin's has one pitiful looking bench seat buggy and a few cars that the kids can easily escape from. Costco is my favorite by far in terms of buggies.

Then their are restaurants. Now I have to say we do not eat out a lot. Actually rarely these days. Chick-Fil-A is fantastic because of the play area but also because you can go through the drive through and tell them you want the mommy service and then bring the kids in and have your food waiting for you at a table. AWESOME!

Recently we joined the YMCA and let me say I have never loved dropping my kids off somewhere more than I do when I take a swim class.

All this has made me super confident and I can now take all three kids to the Children's Museum by myself. We even went to a petting zoo!

On Facebook I've heard comments about how brave I am. Not really. I expect everything we do to be a complete disaster and therefore am not too flustered when melt downs happen. I pack lots of snacks and drinks and bribes. I ignore tears if I have to get something done. We sing ALOT of silly songs everywhere we go. People probably think I am crazy. But we get it done.

This summer all three kids will be home with me all day, everyday. I'm excited and extremely nervous. Will I be able to take all three to the pool by myself? What else will we do to entertain ourselves? I'm coming up with a theme for each day of the week. Music Monday, Water Wednesday etc. But here's what I know- we will try to go to the pool. If it doesn't work, no big deal. We'll try to go to Lewis Ginter and if that doesn' t work out, we'll try something else.

While there are many things I'm still getting  used to as a stay at home mother, one of the best parts is having adventures with the kids and seeing where the day takes us. I have my husband to thank for the opportunity!

Ode To A Broken Foot

It was the party to end all parties. Emma and her sweet friend Aubrey were having a co-birthday party at our house. The FunBus was coming to entertain the 21 plus kids who had RSVPd. The weather was perfect at a warm 70 degrees and all seemed to be going well minus the refusal of the two birthday girls to actually play on the FunBus. This led dear old Mom to try to cajole Emma into participating which then led Mom to step the wrong way descending the bus stairs and stepping onto our driveway. The fall was EPIC I tell you. Emma screamed. My camera clunked to the ground and I face planted. Taking stock of my injuries, I knew there was something terribly wrong with my foot/ankle. Sure enough, the PA at Patient First saw a break in my 5th Metatarsol. The ortho surgeon diagnosed it as a Jones Fracture (the worst kind) and surgery was ordered.

Mike and I looked at each other with lumps in our throats and nausea in our stomachs. I had just become a stay at home mom in November and here we were with one income and having to figure out what to do with our kids while I was incapacitated. Thankfully my wonderful inlaws were able to help us out financially so we could put the boys back in daycare. My SIL and FIL came and cleaned our house top to bottom.Wonderful friends have been bringing food by and my mom came to help out for two weeks. But let me tell you this...my husband has been a rock star.

Nothing and I mean nothing tries your marriage faster than being a man down with three kids. Okay yes I'm sure there are other things but you see what I mean. The poor guy has been working around the clock taking care of me, the kids and the house. Tempers have flared and even boiled over on more than one occasion. He is exhausted and I am tired of being helpless so it was bound to happen. Everyone is still alive. The house is reasonably clean and everyone has food. I call that success.

Next week it's back to the surgeon who will hopefully proclaim me healed so I can get on with this business of running our lives! Until then, I hobble along for another week.

You cannot be Type A with three kids

Technically I guess you can be Type A with kids but either you will go crazy or your kids will require years of therapy to undo all of the neuroses you gave them.

I am hardcore Type A myself. I believe everything has a place and should be put in it. I believe in being five minutes early. I make lists and feel a sense of accomplishment when I cross something off the list. I think kids should play with one toy at a time and put it away before getting out another one.

With one kid this all is still possible. But with three kids under four, forget it. That is something I have learned these past few months staying at home. I can make all the plans I want and the boys may decide that today they only want to be held or play trucks. Emma may come home from school in a snit. A kid will poop in the tub, the dog will vomit and the phone will ring during nap.

So I am learning to let go. Sure it all still makes me cringe but it doesn't make me a complete basket case! That's progress for this old dog.

Mother vs. Daughter

It is a power of wills really. Mother vs. daughter- the ultimate fight through the ages. At our house, it has begun already. At three, Emma knows ALL of my buttons to push and I know hers. We fight like she is a teenager! We fight over bed times, hair brushing, getting dressed, eating and well pretty much every other thing you can think of. It's astounding. I keep promising myself that I'm going to stop engaging in this craziness but then she yells at me to "leave her alone." And, well, promise broken.

If this is us now, I cannot even begin to imagine how explosive our arguments are going to be during Em's teenage years. I'm not sure the Earth can contain that kind of energy.

I've read Understanding Your Spirited Child. I've read 123 Magic. I've read What to Expect the toddler years. I've Googled my self crazy. I got nothing.

For now, I am crossing my fingers and toes that this is an awful phase we are both going through. And making a promise that hopefully today I won't poke the monster too much.

Merry Christmas

Here's the thing about Christmas. I hate it. There I have said it. I try every year to get "in the Christmas spirit." But I just can't. I thought it would change with kids but nope. I fake it better to be sure. We've decorated the house, made cookies, made a gingerbread house, seen tacky Christmas lights, talked to Santa and even wrapped presents. I've listened to hours of Christmas music and still nothing.

When I was a little girl there were years where we had nothing under our Christmas tree or years when I know my mom was stretching a dollar to put something there and my mind still flashes back to that time. Then were times when we had tons of presents and that was exciting. Still, I just hate the commercialism of Christmas. Cardboard boxes, wrapping paper and gifts you probably don't want or like in the first place hold no place in my heart. What I love to have for Christmas and that makes me happy is having family around and making them happy. With three kids under the age of 4, it is important for Santa to visit our house. So by choice, we don't travel. Not to mention what a HUGE pain it is to pack up three kids and all of their stuff! This year  my parents can't travel either because my stepdad's leg is very fragile and with no income coming in, traveling 5 hours just isn't an option. Mike's family is in NJ meeting Nick's future in-laws. And so, we will celebrate Christmas as our little family of five. Later my brother will come over for dinner.

But you know what that is okay. We have made our own family and perhaps seeing the joy on my babies' faces when they open up gifts will finally chase away the shadows of Christmas' past.

Merry Christmas to all.